A Temporary Home

After I got my new job, I was excited at the thought of getting back on my feet and moving into my own apartment. I was staying with a friend when I was hired and had quite a commute to get back and forth to work.

 

I had to leave the apartment by 5 am, walk 40 minutes to the bus stop, take 2 busses and travel 2.5 hours every morning, not to mention the commute back every night. I would return to my friends' apartment around 7:45pm. I would rush to shower, eat and be in bed by 8:30 pm preparing to wake up at 4am and be out the door by 5am the next day.

 

The commute was very time consuming and didn't allow time for any extra corricular activities. I no longer had time for exercise or meditation, for ministry or to spend time with my family and/or friends. All I had time for was commuting and working. I'm not complaining, I'm very thankful I got the new job. I'm just saying....

 

After about a month of the treacherous commute, I was finally able to move a little closer to work. I didn't exactly move into an apartment, though. Instead, I was led to move into a hotel.

 

The move to the hotel cut down my commute by 2 hours. There is a bus stop near the front of the hotel and the bus picks up every morning at around 7:10am. The bus stop near my work is about a block away from my building and I am usually off the bus by 7:25am and at my desk by about 7:30am, unless I stop at the neighborhood deli for breakfast.

 

The move to the hotel has allowed me more time to rest and do other things like write, read, participate in ministry and spend more time with God.

 

The hotel is one of those extended-stay types and the room comes equipped with a mini kitchen, a bathroom and a bed. There is a television, a small closet area and a table perfect for eating and writing.

 

I dare not call the hotel home. It is cramped with my belongings and there's so little storage space that I have bags and boxes stacked in corners and hidden under the bed. I'm living out of suitcases and gym bags and all of my clothes are wrinkled beyond recognition. The hotel is expensive, cramped, and the walls are thin. The kitchen is small, it doesnt have an oven, and the toilet runs.

 

As I complain about everything the hotel is not, I can't help but notice every thing that it is. It's dry and safe. I have a place to get out of the rain and lay my head at night. It's cool, comfortable, and useful. I sleep well at night and I'm able to cook healthy and delicious meals for myself.

 

And as far as it being expensive... well, I recall just a few months ago when I didn't have the money to buy anything at all. I'm thankful. Staying in the hotel may not be home, but it was what I needed, when I needed it. Now, I'm prepared to move forward into my new place. A place to call my own.

Excuses, excuses...

I had an entire post prepared explaining why I had not submitted to the blog in a while. The post was all about how I couldn't afford to purchase Internet because I was staying in a hotel and how I was struggling to get a post out.

 

When I started writing this blog, I promised that as I shared my back story with you, I would be honest and transparent. Instead, I found myself making excuses for my absence. Though the excuses were based on actual events, they are just that... excuses.

 

If I were to be truly transparent, I would admit that I had gotten a bit lazy. I got a new job and didn't want to do anything except eat, watch tv, and go to sleep when I got home. I would yell at self every day because another day had passed and I hadn't completed any writings or submitted any blog posts.

 

Yes, paying for internet on a weekly basis was expensive, but there were other options. I could have gone to the library after work or I could have hung out at any number of fast food restaurants and coffee houses to take advantage of their free WiFi. The truth is, I would refuse to do anything other than go back to the hotel after work. No other option would do.

 

I had gotten to the point that even though there were things I knew I needed to do, I didn't want to do them. I had gotten comfortable - the one thing I didn't want to allow myself to do.

 

I had moved out of my friend's apartment and started basking in my privacy. I was so excited to be in a place that I could call my own, even if for just a little while. I knew I would get a little relaxed now that I wasn't living in someone else's home. I didn't mean to get TOO comfortable, though.

 

I did not intend to get into a mindset where the important things didn't matter. I didn't intend to put my life on the back burner. I didn't intend to put my dreams on hold. Now, I find myself playing catch up.

 

I began to experience that feeling that life was passing me by - that I wasn't truly living. But I brought this deficiency upon myself. These feelings were self inflicted. I realized that I don't ever have to feel as if I'm falling behind or as if I'm missing something, because I am equipped with everything I need to live life on my own terms.

 

So, no more excuses. I've been comfortable long enough. It's time to get up and out of my comfort zone and get back to work. It's time for discipline and sacrifice. Is there any other way to success?

Working on purpose

After being unemployed for the better part of a year, I was blessed with a new job. It's the job I wanted. I prayed for this job.

 

I had doubts that I would get the job, at first, because I went through some struggles during the application process. I had to reschedule my interview because of some unforeseen circumstances, then the company's administrator said that they were having problems verifying my references, and then they requested documentation that I didn't have in my possession and had a bit of a hard time retrieving.

 

The process was long and vigorous and I wondered on a couple occasions if they had pushed my application aside. I had to push those negative thoughts out of my mind and I kept my sights on the position, believing it was mine.

 

In the mean time, I had started another job, all the while praying that the job I wanted would be mine. I was mega excited when I checked my voice mail on my lunch break and heard the message that my application packet had been approved. I resigned from my place holder job without hesitation and began my new one a few days later.

 

The new position is with the state of Florida and is very demanding. I have to deal with difficult people and situations on a daily basis and there are times when impatience and frustration take over, making the situation quite stressful.

 

I recently became impatient with someone I was working with because the person was unable grasp a concept and kept asking me the same question over and over again. In my frustration, I snapped at the person. With all the patience and understanding I should have shown, the person asked me not to get upset and explained that they just didn't understand. I immediately felt bad that I had reacted that way and knew that I had to reevaluate myself.

 

I try to treat people the way I want to be treated and asked myself if I would I want someone to get impatient with me when I didn't understand? The answer is no! I would be grateful if they were patient enough to take the time to help me understand. I realized that I had to take a deep breath and commit myself to being kind and courteous at all times, no matter what.

 

I believe this is the reason I've been blessed with my job. I believe that I am there to learn the importance of showing patience, empathy and understanding with everyone and in every situation. I believe that God is preparing me to use these qualities for whatever purpose He is leading me towards. That purpose will require me to be able to separate myself from my feelings and practice self control.

 

God is preparing me for a time when my reaction to a particular situation will determine the course of its outcome. He's making me stronger. He's making me wiser and preparing me to put these virtues to use.

 

I thank God for my challenging new position because He is using it to equip me with everything I need to do what He is leading me to do. I'm working on my purpose.

Happiness

Lately, I've found myself pondering what makes people happy. I heard someone say that his happiness is directly related to his accomplishments, blessings he's received, and the wonderful friends and family he has. But, what if he hadn't accomplished anything? What if his blessings were on hold and family and friends had left him feeling abandoned and alone? Could he still feel happiness?

Can people who base their happiness on other people and material things still be happy in times of hardship, loss and uncertainty? In the past, my answer would have been no, because I've been there. When I didn't have any money, I was miserable, worrying about why I was broke and where I was going to get the money needed to pay my bills. I worried about why some people had more than I did when I was working so hard to get what they had.

I based my happiness on material things: money, belongings, and friendships, but soon came to realize that those things come and go. They are not definite or certain. Money is spent, friends move on, belongings waste away.

I've found that the only thing that is certain and lasting is God and my relationship with Him. Through poverty and wealth, good times and bad, God keeps me strengthened and encouraged. He has gotten me past material happiness to experience something more.

God revealed to me during meditation some time ago that I have not because I ask not. He reminded me that I don't have to worry about the things that others have because all I have to do is ask and it's mine. He's given me peace in the midst of trial and lack. I may not have much money or many belongings, but I'm rich in the Lord, and that makes me happy.

The bible says in Philippians 4:6-8 that I should be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let my requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind through Christ Jesus. This comforts me and makes it easier for me to not complain and worry about what I don't have.
 
I recall laying in my comfortable bed in my warm apartment and still worrying about how I was going to pay my next bill or get my next meal. What I've found is that with God, even with no money and no possessions, I can be happy and worry free. I've realized that faith in and dependence on God is the only way to true happiness. Being grateful for what you have and praising Him even in the midst of trial and lack can bring you to a place of complete calm and peace.

I've been more at peace sleeping in a shopping cart than I felt sleeping between soft sheets and under a warm comforter. God is the only true comforter. He will ease all of your pains and bring you happiness when you're broke, when you've lost a loved one, and even when you're homeless and sleeping on the streets.

Though I am thankful for my new job, a roof over my head, and warmth on cold winter nights, I now know that I don't need those things to be thankful and happy. With God, I have more than happiness. I have joy!

It Could Have Been Me

Before I had any thoughts of homelessness, I received an income that, for the most part, allowed me to pay my bills. I worked a part time job and received what was left of financial aid as I worked on my MBA. I lived fairly comfortably in a decent apartment with a roommate and no worries worth mentioning.

I had just come out of a compromising situation and was trying to regain my footing when God told me to begin to renew my mind. He told me to start listening to motivational messages and reading books about success and how to become successful. So, every morning, as soon as I woke, I prayed, read the bible, listened to motivational speeches, meditated, and read at least 30 minutes of a success related book.

When I was no longer working or going to school and money became an issue, I continued to pray and read and meditate because doing these things kept me feeling motivated and strengthened. When I had nowhere to go and had to live on the street, I concentrated on keeping my focus on God and I did everything He told me to do.

One night, as I was resting in the shopping cart I called my bed, God reminded me of an event that happened years ago, but in that moment, changed my life.

Approximately 15 years ago, some friends and I visited Hollywood, CA and took in all of the city's sights and monuments. One day, as we were walking down Hollywood Blvd, a young girl was standing on a street corner, swinging on a light pole and smiling seductively at all of the people walking by. She was a prostitute.

The girl was young, maybe between 16 and 20, and attractive. She didnt bother to speak, she just carressed the light pole she swung on and smiled sweetly at the people passing by. As we walked past her, she looked intently at me and smiled. I met her gaze and with disgust on my face and in my voice, I said, "Get a job!" Everyone in my group, as well as some strangers close by, laughed and voiced their agreement. We walked on, leaving her there on that corner, swinging on that light pole, probably feeling humiliated and rejected.

For over 15 years, I hadn't thought about that young lady or the events of that day, until God brought it back to me that night. As He reminded me of the cruel words I spoke to her, God scolded me saying, "That could have been you!"

That young lady may have felt that prostitution was her last resort. It may have been the only way she could eat or support her family. I'm sure she didn't want to be out there selling her body and living the life she had chosen, but my judgmental mind wouldn't allow me to consider her troubles. I only saw her sins.

God told me that if He hadn't renewed my mind before I had to move to the streets, I may have been forced to chose prostitution as well.

I cried and repented that night as I thought about that girl and wondered what happened to her. Is she still on the streets? Is she dead? Has she made it off of the streets and now living a better life?

Since the night God reminded me of her, I think about her and pray for her often. I praise God for ensuring my mind was strengthened and set on Him before my trials came. I thank Him for giving me peace in the midst of my trials and reminding me not to judge anyone because of their circumstances because I don't know their stories and what they've been through. I thank Him for teaching me compassion and for showing me that at any given moment, that could have been me.

I've had to struggle through tough times, endure hardships, and live through circumstance I never dreamed I would have to experience, but God spared me from the fait of the young woman in Hollywood. Instead, when He knew my time for trouble was coming, He transformed me by renewing my mind.

Scripture references: Romans 12:2, Matthew 7:1-3

Too Comfortable

There was a three week delay between mt last two log posts that has caused me to fall way behind schedule. It was my intention to publish a blog post every Monday, but my situation changed a bit and I got horribly off track. I became trapped in a place of comfort and lost the motivation to continue to work hard on reaching my dreams.
I interviewed for jobs with a couple of companies  and received call backs for both of them. I was eventually offered a position with one of them and graciously accepted.
During the interview process, the friend who had previously asked me to leave her home invited me to stay for a few nights so that I could go to my interviews clean, rested, and confident. Though I was reluctant to accept her offer, I understood the importance of being at my best during the interviews. I accepted her offer and was thankful for change of heart.
Once all of my interviews and call backs were completed, I packed some provisions in my backpack and headed back to the clearing and shopping cart where I slept. I spent my nights there excited about my new job and anxious for it to begin so that I could eventually leave the shopping cart behind. I slept in the cart for a couple nights when a friend, who had been franticly worrying and inquiring about my whereabouts, invited me to stay with her for a while. It was pretty late at night and I was heading to the clearing when she texted me to say that her daughter was coming to pick me up.
It seems that they had planned and prepared for my arrival. My friend's daughter (who is an adult and living elsewhere) had prepared her bedroom for me. She had set out fresh linens and towels and my friend was busy in the kitchen, cooking a late night dinner.
They went out of their way to make me feel comfortable in their home. Maybe a little too comfortable. It felt good to lay down on a soft bed with pillows and a warm blanket. They had cable tv, air conditioning, and a cute little yorkie puppy to play with.
I found myself sleeping a lot and watching all of the movies I had missed out on, disregarding the things that I had committed to. I wasn't writing. I wasn't reading. I wasn't repeating my daily affirmations. I had slipped into a state of utter comfort.
My friend and her daughter had made things so comfortable and easy for me that I stopped pushing myself. I no longer had to sacrifice my time, sleep, and energy. I had a place to rest. I could sleep as much and as long as I wanted.
My friend and her daughter provided me with every thing I needed. They welcomed me and made me feel at home, sharing what they had with me.
My friend's daughter even took me to work during my first week. She picked me up at 7:30 every morning, prepared to battle traffic and get me there before 9am. On Christmas eve, when I got off of work early, she was there even earlier to take me back to her mom's apartment. These ladies gave and continue to give unselfishly and they encourage me to stay as long as is needed to get myself back on my feet. Though I am truly grateful for their generosity, I don't want to allow myself to get TOO comfortable and forget about my purpose. I don't want to lose my drive.
The Monday after Christmas marked the first day of the second week at my new job. It was also my friend's daughter's first day at her new job. To help ensure that she was well rested and prepared for her first day, I did not ask her to take me to work, but woke up earlier than usual and walked to the bus stop to catch the bus. My job is on the north side of the city and 3 hours on a total of 4 busses from my friend's apartment. The first bus was supposed to leave at 7:11 am and I left the apartment at 6:30am to make it to the bus stop on time. My efforts were futile, though, because the bus was late. I was forced to catch a later bus that was going the same way. Obviously, because I had to catch the first bus later than anticipated, I had to catch all of them at later times. Unfortunately, the last bus I had to take, which would drop me off at the front door of the place I worked, left before I arrived to the stop and the next one wasn't due for another 45 minutes. I reasoned that I could walk to work before the next bus arrived. I figured that by doing that, I would cut off some waiting time and wouldn't be as late as I would be if I had waited. As I walked the mile and a half to work, walking as fast as I could, getting sweaty and swollen, I realized the lengths I would go for the job. I had already walked for 30 minutes from my friend's apartment to the first bus stop, and now here I was walking from the last bus stop to my job. I have been battling sciatic pain for several months now, the low back pain generating in my right side and running down my right leg and into my foot. I was in so much pain! Because I'm grateful for my job and I value it, I did what I needed to do that day to make sure I got to work at a decent time, even though I knew I would be late.
I began to wonder and ask myself why I wouldn't go to those lengths for myself. Why won't I wake up early in the morning to work on myself; to work for myself? Why won't I push through the pain to walk to make myself healthier? Why won't I make those types of sacrifices for myself that I am willing to make for others? I realized that I had been slacking and the events of that day likely happened so that I could come to that realization. Before I sacrifice my sleep, time, and comfort for someone or something else, shouldn't I make those sacrifices for myself? I ended up being 41 minutes late for work that day and the kicker is that the bus that I thought would get me to work later than my feet would, arrived at about the same time I did.
I was tired, in pain, and I felt foolish for walking all that way. I decided, at that moment, that if I can push myself that hard and make painful sacrifices for someone else, surely I can do that for myself!
I think everyday about my goals and dreams and the promises of God. What I want, more than anything, is for them to come to pass, but it takes continuous hard work on my part for that to happen. Faith without works is dead. If I believe in my dreams and want to see them, I've got to stay hard at work, making sure they come true.