It Wasn't All Bad

Now, I don't want y'all thinking that my relationship was all bad. It wasn't. The problem I previously presented was the only complaint I had about my boyfriend. Except for his communication issues, he is a really great guy.

We have a lot in common. We think and understand a lot alike. We have a lot of the same interests. We like and dislike a lot of the same things.

And, there are some differences between us as well. Just minor things. Things that could afford to be different. They weren't deal breakers. We acknowledged the things about one another that were different and we accepted them. Our differences didn't tear us apart.

We could talk about virtually anything and not get upset or bored. He does have some eccentric opinions. With some I would agree, with some I would disagree. I let him know when I disagreed with him. We would agree to disagree and move on to the next topic. Even though he is extremely opinionated, he would allow me to have my own opinions, too.

I admired that.

This wasn't true about everything all the time, but I can deal with being told that I'm wrong when I'm not. I understand that there's more than one way to do something. More than one opinion to be had. I don't necessarily have to be right.

In fact, sometimes he would slow down enough to explain himself and make his case known. There were times when his argument was undeniable and I would have to concede that he had made a great point. I think he got a lot of pleasure out of that. What he didn't realize is that I did, too. I would smile in the background.

I also found pleasure when he would take charge. When his mind would start working and break into problem solving mode.

Or when he was playful and silly. When he would get excited and his voice would rise really high. Or when he got matter of fact and his voice fell very low.

I loved that.

Or, there were times when we would allow a bit of intimacy and he would refer to himself as Daddy.

So sexy.

He worked to respect my lifestyle even through conversation. Fire still sparked while we talked on the phone. We tried to be good. Didn't do a great job of it. But, we managed to stop ourselves short of going too far. Short of jumping in the car and driving the time it took to be at the other's front door.

That meant a lot to me.

See, the relationship wasn't all bad. We had many great conversations. We shared some amazing moments together. We made plans. We had fun.

Just, something got in our way.

And we weren't willing to put in the work necessary to move it.

If only...

I'm a Failure

I Failed

Actually, I failed AGAIN!

I fail a lot. I've failed in relationships, jobs, managing my finances effectively, business ventures, continuing my education, etc. Every time I look around, I am facing another failure.

Failure hurts and it's shameful, but it can also be used as a learning experience. Failure teaches us which way is right or wrong. What we should or should not do. Failure helps us see the best course of action so that we won't fail the next time.

If we take failure's advice.

I told you in my last post that if given the chance, I would attempt to handle things a bit differently in my relationship. Well... I didn't.

I failed.

I did not see any depression or oppression behind the behavior. I only saw the man... and HIS behavior. I saw what I perceived as selfishness and disrespect. And I saw him doing it for the umpteenth time - devaluing me, not seeing my worth, treating me as if I am not important to him.

The feeling was compounded by all the other times I had been dismissed like that and I decided that if he wouldn't value me and my time, I would.

I broke up with him.

And, once again, he used the situation he was facing as an excuse to ignore me. I used the fact that he was constantly ignoring me as an excuse to break up with him.

We both failed.

The thing is, this wasn't about him. This wasn't his test. It was mine. I was supposed to love him with the love of God. I was supposed to love him unconditionally and not judge him and be understanding. I did none if those things. I acted according to my emotions. I made a dire, long term decision based on my short term feelings.

Talk about a lack of self control.

I didn't stop and woo-sah. I didn't say a prayer. I got angrier and angrier as time passed and I reacted the same way I had done before. I reacted to what I was feeling.

And instead of putting the enemy on notice and letting him know that I was not going to stand for his attack on my man and my relationship, I told my boyfriend that he had succeeded in making our relationship one of the worst I had ever been in.

I failed.

The silver lining: I recognize that I am moved by my emotions. I realize that I need to practice self control when I'm upset. I need to take some time to breathe, reflect, and go to God in prayer.

I came to the realization that I cannot succeed in this, or any other relationship, without God. He is the third strand that makes the three strand cord strong. He is why it cannot be easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Without God I failed at maneuvering an imperfect relationship. With Him... Well, maybe I can do it, now. I think I can. We'll find out at my next test.

Overcoming the Silent Treatment

I tried a new relationship. It’s been difficult. We both brought with us some lingering issues from past relationships. From life, in general. But before we can move forward toward happiness, our past issues have to be resolved. Right?

We all go though trials. And some of us handle them better than others. In this case, he didn’t handle them well. When faced with difficulty, he would withdraw to himself and not speak to some of the people close to him. I can’t speak for anybody else, but that ABSOLUTELY BUGGED ME. Actually, it pissed me off!! I felt that it was dysfunctional and selfish to shut out the people who love you because life got a little difficult for you. It was unhealthy. But, so was the way I reacted to it.

Knowing that I had done nothing to warrant the silent treatment, I would immediately get upset at his lack of communication. I would text and call (mostly text) incessantly - with no response. And every time he would ignore me, I would get angrier. How dare he ignore me? I didn’t do anything to him! Why do I deserve to be treated this way??

I didn’t. But it was not what it seemed.

According to him, what he experienced during those times of withdrawal was a severe depression that prevented him from picking up the phone.

His words.

That should be easy enough to understand, right?

Well… I had no understanding.

I did not get it! How could you ignore people who loved you and who you said you loved? How could you – why would you – push away the people who could help you and encourage you through your situation? Why would you want to try to handle the hardness of life alone when you have a support system?

To me, it was obvious that no one would ever do that. I am struggling with turmoil in my own life and I don’t ever do that. I feel better when I talk about my troubles with my sister or my cousins or even him. Did he not feel that he could talk to me? We could talk all night about stuff that didn’t matter. Did he not trust me with the stuff that did matter?

Maybe that’s the question…

But that wasn’t the real reason why his silent treatment bugged me, why I had no understanding. The truth is, my ex-husband was notorious about giving me the silent treatment. He was cruel with it and would torture me with his silence. He would walk through our home ignoring me, treating me as if I had done something to him. I would rack my brain trying to figure out what it was that I had done or said. I never intentionally said or did things to provoke him. So, I knew in my heart that I hadn’t done anything. But if I hadn’t, why would my husband who loves me treat me as if I had?  

The million-dollar question… But, I digress…

I believe that all of the hurt and confusion I felt from experiencing the silent treatment in my marriage resurfaced when my boyfriend would withdraw in the new relationship. Feelings that I hadn’t felt or thought about in many years all of sudden came flooding back when I was faced with a similar situation. One was deliberate. The other, possibly not. Both hurt.

What I realized is that I needed some healing to take place. From something that happened nearly 20 years ago! But thank God I was triggered to the point of understanding, to the point of revelation. Now, I can see that it’s not always what it seems. And I can receive my healing.

I don’t know where God is going to carry the relationship, but He has carried me to deliverance. I now know why I get so hurt when he withdraws. And though I can’t (and shouldn’t) condone his behavior, hopefully I can react to it differently. Maybe we’ll see.

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, he brought some insecurities into the relationship, too. But this blog is about MY back story. And I think I’ve told enough of his business. So, I’m going to keep those to myself. I’m sure you understand. 😊 See you next time!

Missing My Mom

My mom got sick around the end of 2020. Not of Covid. Of lung cancer. The disease progressed very quickly, and she spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Her body started to get weak and, I believe, her mind did too.

It seemed like she just gave up.

When she realized she was sick, I believe she felt it was beyond her control. She solidified in her mind that she could not beat her sickness and that she was going to die.

It bugged me!

It bugged me that she talked so much about death. It bugged me that she seemingly so easily resigned to the fact that she was going to die. It bugged me that she refused to fight. It bugged me that the people around her were resigned to her death, saying things like “It’ll be any day now!” It bugged me that she called up family members asking if they were prepared for her to die.

It bugged me…

I wanted her to fight! I wanted the situation to be her strengthening moment. Her defining moment. Her freedom moment. I wanted her to buck up, resist the devil, and reclaim her life! I wanted her to be her own hero and come out of that sickness victorious!!

It wasn’t meant to be.

And I didn’t handle it gracefully. I was broken. Seeing my mother give up broke me.

In our last conversation, my mother complained that her body was giving out and she couldn’t do anything about it. She couldn’t do anything on her own. In her voice was acceptance, reconciliation, and self-pity. And in my voice… weariness and anger.

I couldn’t listen to her talk about death. I couldn’t listen to her give up on life. I told her that I couldn’t. I told her that I wouldn’t. We ended the call.

I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with my mom. If I had known, maybe I would have reacted differently. Maybe I would have listened. Maybe I would have prayed with her or encouraged her. I didn’t.

Three days later, when I finally called my mom back, she couldn’t take my call. Her health had deteriorated even more, and she had lost her ability to speak. She couldn’t tell me how she was feeling. She couldn’t tell me what she could and could not do. She couldn’t say anything.

But she could hear me. I got to say my last hello. And my last goodbye.

She was able to hear me tell her that I love her. She knew. That’s what matters.

My mom died on March 24, 2021.

I miss her so much.

Although I’m broken and unable to come to grips with my mom’s death - unable to believe it - there’s one thing I do understand, one thing I’m certain of …

My mother is finally free! She doesn’t have to worry, struggle, and stress anymore. She can finally live unbound.

She can finally get some rest.

Blog Relaunch - I'm in Transition

I haven’t written for this blog in a very long time. A lot has happened in my life during my absence. I’ve spent a lot of time unfocused and distracted. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, wins and losses, mistakes made, and lessons learned. Some of my life has been difficult to endure. Some life has been exciting. Some I’m still struggling to get through, to get over.

But so much has happened that I figure that this is a great time to come back, write about what I’ve been going through, and share my experiences and lessons with you.

I’m in transition.

I don’t know why I am in the place that I am. I don’t know why I’m going through what I am. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it through each week, each day. But, I’m transitioning from one life to another. From one way of thinking to another. I am learning to trust God more completely. He told me in His Word not to worry about tomorrow. To focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I’m trying.

I’m trying to do life God’s way and not my own. “Nevertheless, Father, not my will, but thy will be done” (Luke 22:42). That’s my cry. Because every time I try to do things on my own, I fail. I mess things up.

I give my life, my issues, my decisions over to God because I’ve realized that I cannot handle them on my own. I’m not equipped to. In doing this, I’ve seen that outcomes are different, growth is realized, changes are made.

But it’s still hard when life is so uncertain. I don’t know where I'm going to be tomorrow or what I'm going to be doing. I never know what’s going to happen next, what God is going to call me to do, what is going to come my way. But I trust God to take care of me.

There are some scary things happening, some fear that threatens to keep me stagnant, and some relationships that have tried and tested me. But I know that whatever happens, it’s going to, eventually, work out for my good. I know that God has a plan for me that is not always easy but is going to prosper me. I know that it is going to grow me, not harm me.

The things that I’ve been going through are complicated. And long. And hard. And difficult to understand. I will share my roller coaster ride of ups and downs, uncertainty and confusion, victories and defeats.

I’ve survived it all.

I'm still surviving. Still standing.

It hasn’t been easy. But God has been with me - leading me, guiding me, comforting me, reassuring me. He has never left nor failed me.

The relaunch of this blog is long overdue for some of you. For some, this blog is an introduction. To all of you, I hope that my journey - my testimony - will help you in some way. I hope it helps you to understand something you’ve been going through. To see the lesson in it. I hope that my testimony can help you see something within yourself and possibly facilitate change and growth. I hope we can learn and grow together and confidently move toward our God given purpose. 

May God’s will be done in our lives.