I’ve made a lot of promises. Mostly to myself. But I told everyone who would listen, I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that. I did nothing.
I said that I was going to work hard for myself as I would for any other boss. Work hard at making my dreams come true. I did nothing. I said I was going to put in the same amount of effort, or more, for myself, than I would put in if I were working for someone else. I did nothing. I said I wasn’t going to get too comfortable working for someone else and that I was going to step out in faith in making my own dreams come true. Once again, I did nothing. I. DID. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING.
What I did do was get comfortable working a job I disliked so that I could bring home a steady paycheck to keep my bills paid. I pushed through sickness, discomfort, and pain to work a dead-end job that had no bearing on my future. But, I refused to wake up a little earlier in the morning to make time for myself.
I’m ashamed.
At first, I blamed it on a lack of time. I had to commute by bus to my job everyday then walk about a quarter mile to my office. The buses ran a little farther apart in the evening, so it would take me a little longer to get home than it did for me to get to work. When I got home, I had to cook and eat dinner, get showered, and get prepared for the next day. By the time my to-do list was complete, it would be after 11 pm and I had to go to bed so that I could wake up early the next morning and be out the door by 6:15 am.
And then, I got sick. I was in so much pain that it was difficult for me to go to work. I would force myself into the office on most days, but the pain was unbearable. I would either end up going home early, or I would be out for the next couple of days, trying to recover from the trauma of sitting at my desk.
During my time at home, before and after the surgery, I had plenty of time to work on my dream. To put something together to ensure that once I was healed, I would have a starting point. I did nothing.
I talked about it a lot, though. All the time. Always telling someone what I was going to do. But still, I did nothing.
I wrote idea after idea in a notebook and did nothing with them. I wrote down dreams and goals and plans but did nothing. I wrote and repeated affirmations and listened to motivational messages but still couldn’t bring myself to actually get up and do anything. I turned my wheels but accomplished nothing.
Right now, I sit here a failure. I allowed fear of opinion and rejection to stop me from pursuing my dreams and doing the work required to realize them. I sit here with nothing. No money, no prospects, and seemingly no future.
Well, I guess I do have something… I have ideas. I have goals. I have plans. And it’s high time I put them to work!
