A Harder Obedience

I was reluctant to share this part of my story because I thought it would be hard for some people to understand. Heck, it was hard for me to understand and obey what I felt God was leading me to do.

It wouldn’t be the first time He’s led me to do this, though. I have found myself in sort of a cycle concerning this. He tells me to do it, I do it and then I get stuck. I haven’t, until now, been able to complete the whole cycle - to go through the whole process and allow God to do what was needed. He needed to show and teach me some things to prepare me for purpose.

But, in the past, the process always seemed to get hung up.

So, I would find myself back at the beginning, starting the cycle all over again! And getting frustrated and stressed because going through the cycle is not fun or easy. It’s scary and uncomfortable. Which is the reason I wouldn’t complete it. I would always run to safety.

This time, though, I stuck it out. I had to. Actually, I’m sticking it out. I’m not fully out of it, yet. Though, I am in a much better place. I’m excited to see where God takes me from here!

So, what was the crazy difficult thing that God led me to do?

He led me to quit my job.

Without any warning, backups, or prospects.  I was just told to quit.

Actually, quitting was the easy part!

I had been led to quit three times before. God would tell me to quit, I would get confirmation, I would do it, then I would find it difficult to move on to the next part. I always seemed to avoid it somehow. Like I said, I would run to safety. That is, until now.

The first time I quit my job, I was living in this little apartment in my hometown. I shared with you guys before how things started falling apart for me once I moved back to Florida. It wasn’t until recently that I understood that the difficulties were for a purpose and that God was starting me on a path to growth. If I had understood this back then and had been more obedient, maybe I could have completed the cycle a long time ago. Who knows?!

Of course, not having a job meant not being able to pay bills. I went without water, then lights, then I was without a home. I remember that the landlord was very nice and patient. When he had gotten to the point where he couldn’t wait any longer, he told me that he didn’t want to evict me and asked me to just leave. I refused and told him that I wasn’t about to voluntarily put myself out on the street!

In hindsight, I think that’s exactly what I was supposed to do.

Instead, I ended up getting evicted and asked my friend to help me move out. He had an extra bedroom in this little trailer he owned and, since I had nowhere else to go, we made a deal that I would deep clean the trailer as my payment for rent.

I did the best I could…

I didn’t stay there for long. I ended up going out of town and then moving to Jacksonville at the invitation of friends. Both the visit and the move ended up being mistakes. But, I didn’t understand why until much later.

The second time I felt led to quit my job, I actually understood what I had to do, and I boldly walked into it. That time, just like this time, my plight was difficult to do and to understand. I remember trying to help a friend understand that it was something that I had to do. It was scary! It was crazy! But, I just knew that, for some reason, I had to do it.

I shared with you all back in 2015 my adventures living on the streets. They would be short lived as, late one night, a friend got a bad feeling and called me up asking where I was. Though my gut was telling me not to tell her, I, to be honest, was COMPLETELY over living on the streets and was beyond relieved to have heard from her.

My friend sent her daughter to pick me up and when we arrived at her house, she had a hot meal waiting for me. The meal was so delicious, and they were so sweet! They made feel so comfortable and at home. I’m so thankful for them!

Though I am eternally grateful to my friend for helping me out of my homeless situation, I'm not sure that was God's will. What I didn’t realize, then, was that when I accepted my friend’s invitation, I broke the cycle. Now, I would have to start all over again!

The third time I quit my job, I was still good, financially, because I had some money saved and was a full-time student receiving financial aid. I opted to accept the refund checks and was comfortably living off of them for a while. Then, for reasons still unknown, one of my refund checks was delayed and I received it 2 weeks after it was supposed to arrive. Needless to say, I couldn’t pay my rent and had to leave my apartment. I was at the end of my lease, so there was no eviction, but I wasn’t able to renew the lease for another year.

In desperation, I called my aunt and cousin to see if they could lend me some money until my check finally came. They, unfortunately, were unable to help me. But, my aunt invited me to move in with her. I was so relieved and thankful! Because God knows I didn’t want to have to go back out onto the streets!

Basically, every time I was at a certain stage in the cycle, there was someone there to save me. They saved me from homelessness and ensured that I didn’t have to endure that part of the cycle until the end.

But, I would have to, eventually.

I believe that God moved me to Virginia because He knew that I wouldn't be able to experience what He wanted me to experience if I stayed amongst friends and family – amongst the familiar. There was something He wanted me to see. Something He wanted me to do. And I couldn't do those things sleeping comfortably in somebody's guest room.  

So, once I moved to Virginia, with nobody with me but God, who was going to save me then?

My Move to Virginia, Continued

I spent the first five months in Virginia living in a hotel. It was one of those extended stay hotels with a kitchenette and living room. It was within walking distance of Walmart and surrounded by other major grocery stores, convenience stores, department stores, and restaurants.

God had told me not to attempt to move into an apartment yet, but to rest in the hotel. I wasn’t sure why, but I obeyed.

Obedience wasn’t difficult. I didn’t have much money left over after I paid my hotel rent, anyways. Once I bought food and a bus pass, I barely had any money left. Especially not to save for a deposit and first month’s rent for an apartment.

It wasn’t terrible living in the hotel. Other than the thin walls and the rude, thieving staff, the hotel was fairly comfortable.

There were many people who had made their home there. Though I didn’t necessarily want to be one of them, I didn’t have much room to complain. I had a warm bed. I was able to cook nutritious meals. I had privacy and a place to come in out of the rain.

It wasn’t ideal. But it was my temporary home, and I was thankful.

Within just a few weeks of moving to Virginia, just as I was getting comfortable in the hotel, my mother passed away. I knew she was sick before I moved. But, I was optimistic. I didn’t believe her sickness would end in death.

So, I had to check out of the hotel and go back to Florida. I ended up staying in Florida for a couple of weeks and returned to Virginia right before I started my new job.

I tried to continue with life as usual. 

I checked back into the hotel. I continued to go to school. I started a new job. I even picked up a new man.

I thought that I could push my way through the loss of my mother.

I don’t usually take death as hard as some people do. I have an understanding about it. Death is a part of life and we will all have to experience it someday. I honestly thought that I could handle my mother’s death, too.

I was wrong.

It became increasingly difficult for me to focus and concentrate. I started falling behind in school and ended up withdrawing. I found myself crying at the bus stop or at my desk at work. I was sad and fatigued and all I wanted to do was sleep and talk to my boyfriend on the phone.

It shocked me!

I had such a hard time dealing with it. There was something missing after my mother died. I felt as if a piece of me had gone along with her. 

So, there I was, by myself in Virginia, feeling more alone than ever.

And things would get worse.  (I will share...)

I began to doubt my move. I began to wonder if I had heard God wrong. Or if I had heard Him at all. What if I had made a mistake?

I prayed and cried out about it. “God, what’s going on?!” “Why is this happening to me?!” I was ready to turn around and go back to Florida when God assured me that I was on the right track.

I was moved for a reason. I was isolated for a reason. I was being broken for a reason.

I was encouraged by God to stay put and not give up.

If we give up every time our circumstances get hard, we’ll never get anything accomplished. We’ll never grow and mature. We’ll never get anywhere in life.

So, I obeyed, and I stayed – there in the pain and difficulty.  

But God didn’t stop there. There would be more obeying for me to do.

My Move to Virginia

Wow! It’s hard to believe that I moved to Virginia over 2 years ago! I moved here in March of 2021. It was truly a move of faith. Though I know God told me to move, I didn’t know exactly where I was going or why. Only that I needed to move to Virginia. I didn’t have a job lined up. I didn’t know where I was going to live. And I didn’t know anybody in Virginia. I just knew that I needed to go. I felt this overwhelming urge in my spirit to move. And I knew it was time for me to get the heck out of Jacksonville! I was obedient to my calling and I moved, even in the uncertainty. 

I had spent over ten years in Jacksonville, feeling out of place and stuck. I always questioned whether it was a good idea to move back to Florida. Since the day I set foot back in St. Augustine, my life started to fall apart. Or so it felt. I kept spiraling further down, experiencing one bad moment after another. Making one bad decision after another.

After living in St. Augustine for a few years, I moved to Jacksonville, looking for a fresh start and new opportunities. And though things did seem to get better - eventually - I still felt out of place. I didn’t know where I was supposed to be, but I was certain that it wasn’t there.

There wasn’t any particular thing or person that made me feel that way. It was just how I felt. I felt that I needed to get out of Jacksonville, and I prayed for a way. After several years of unanswered prayers, I prayed one last time, giving my desire to leave Jacksonville to God. I vowed to stop obsessing over leaving and to patiently wait until God was ready for something new for me. After a few more years of waiting, I got a word from God. Then I got a confirmation. It was official, God was calling me to move.

Finally! 

But…God didn’t give me any strict details... 

He just told me to move. To move to Virginia.

This lack of information made me excited about the adventure of moving but scared about it at the same time. I didn’t really have any reasons to move to Virginia. I didn’t know anybody there. I wasn’t affiliated with any organizations. But, I knew I needed to go.

While praying about where I would be going, the city of Norfolk stood out to me. Then, I came across this job posting in Norfolk that, again, stood out to me. I didn’t know why the city stood out to me so strongly. I had no connection with Norfolk. I had never even heard of it! But, again, I felt that this was where God was telling me to go.

God soon told me when to move and gave me more firm details once I arrived here.

So… I moved to Norfolk, VA! And it would turn out to be an adventure unlike any I’ve ever experienced!

I saved up every penny that I could. I rented a U-Haul, packed up all of my belongings, and hit the road to my new home. When I arrived, I immediately got to work! I quickly found an extended stay hotel in a decent area, and I landed a job. I had hit the ground running! And everything seemed to be falling easily into place and working out great for me… At first.

The Last Time We Spoke

The last time I spoke with you, I told you that I would share the trials of my life throughout 2021 and how they affected me. The thing is, I was still experiencing those trials at the time of that last post. I still am, in some ways. But, things have gotten progressively better for me. I have made some drastic changes in my life and in my mind. 

It’s so funny how fast time flies when you’re busy dealing with life and trying to figure things out. I’ve learned so much in the last 6 months alone! It’s like God has sped up the learning process for me. I’m feeling a great sense of urgency that I can’t explain. I don’t know exactly what’s coming, but I feel that something BIG is about to happen. 

I’m excited about it! And apprehensive at the same time. Am I ready for what’s next? Have I learned all of the lessons that I need to learn? Have I internalized them? 

God knows. 

I have said before, and I truly believe, that every experience is a learning opportunity. I believe that everything - good or bad - happens for a reason. And when we search for that reason, we will learn very valuable lessons that we can take forward and apply to similar situations in the future. Whenever I go through difficult situations, I ask God to show me the lesson in them. I realize I’m not going through these situations for nothing. What should I be learning? What should I take away from this? 

Many of us are trapped in our lack of understanding of why something has happened or is happening to us. We tend to just sit in our situations, upset that they are happening and allowing them, rather than being active in getting through them. I encourage you to, right in the middle of it, ask God why you’re going through that difficulty. What lesson are you to learn from it? How are you to proceed forward?

You can even ask about something that has happened to you in the past. Try not to ask in accusation. But, go to God in humility and ask in order to gain knowledge and understanding. 

Many people think that we can’t talk to God or ask Him tough questions, but we can. Old religion has taught us that we aren’t supposed to “question” God; we’re not supposed to ask Him what or why. But Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us not to lean on our own understanding. It tells us to go to God for His understanding and His direction. How are we supposed to gain true understanding and know in what direction we are supposed to go if we don’t ask? 

God tells us we can come to Him (Matthew 11:28) and His Word encourages us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). He has made Himself available to us all. And he IS listening!

Once I submitted myself to God and humbled myself before Him, He began to highlight my insufficiencies – places where I was spiritually bound and the reasons why I was struggling. He began to show me where and how I can improve and become a better, more powerful, version of myself. 

I’m still working and growing, but I think I’m ready to share my experiences and lessons with you, again. I’m ready to take you through my journey over the last couple of years, as well as share what is going on with me right now. It’s been quite an adventure!! A lot has happened! And I believe that, through it all, God has been - and is - preparing me for what and where He is about to take me into next!