It Wasn't All Bad

Now, I don't want y'all thinking that my relationship was all bad. It wasn't. The problem I previously presented was the only complaint I had about my boyfriend. Except for his communication issues, he is a really great guy.

We have a lot in common. We think and understand a lot alike. We have a lot of the same interests. We like and dislike a lot of the same things.

And, there are some differences between us as well. Just minor things. Things that could afford to be different. They weren't deal breakers. We acknowledged the things about one another that were different and we accepted them. Our differences didn't tear us apart.

We could talk about virtually anything and not get upset or bored. He does have some eccentric opinions. With some I would agree, with some I would disagree. I let him know when I disagreed with him. We would agree to disagree and move on to the next topic. Even though he is extremely opinionated, he would allow me to have my own opinions, too.

I admired that.

This wasn't true about everything all the time, but I can deal with being told that I'm wrong when I'm not. I understand that there's more than one way to do something. More than one opinion to be had. I don't necessarily have to be right.

In fact, sometimes he would slow down enough to explain himself and make his case known. There were times when his argument was undeniable and I would have to concede that he had made a great point. I think he got a lot of pleasure out of that. What he didn't realize is that I did, too. I would smile in the background.

I also found pleasure when he would take charge. When his mind would start working and break into problem solving mode.

Or when he was playful and silly. When he would get excited and his voice would rise really high. Or when he got matter of fact and his voice fell very low.

I loved that.

Or, there were times when we would allow a bit of intimacy and he would refer to himself as Daddy.

So sexy.

He worked to respect my lifestyle even through conversation. Fire still sparked while we talked on the phone. We tried to be good. Didn't do a great job of it. But, we managed to stop ourselves short of going too far. Short of jumping in the car and driving the time it took to be at the other's front door.

That meant a lot to me.

See, the relationship wasn't all bad. We had many great conversations. We shared some amazing moments together. We made plans. We had fun.

Just, something got in our way.

And we weren't willing to put in the work necessary to move it.

If only...

I'm a Failure

I Failed

Actually, I failed AGAIN!

I fail a lot. I've failed in relationships, jobs, managing my finances effectively, business ventures, continuing my education, etc. Every time I look around, I am facing another failure.

Failure hurts and it's shameful, but it can also be used as a learning experience. Failure teaches us which way is right or wrong. What we should or should not do. Failure helps us see the best course of action so that we won't fail the next time.

If we take failure's advice.

I told you in my last post that if given the chance, I would attempt to handle things a bit differently in my relationship. Well... I didn't.

I failed.

I did not see any depression or oppression behind the behavior. I only saw the man... and HIS behavior. I saw what I perceived as selfishness and disrespect. And I saw him doing it for the umpteenth time - devaluing me, not seeing my worth, treating me as if I am not important to him.

The feeling was compounded by all the other times I had been dismissed like that and I decided that if he wouldn't value me and my time, I would.

I broke up with him.

And, once again, he used the situation he was facing as an excuse to ignore me. I used the fact that he was constantly ignoring me as an excuse to break up with him.

We both failed.

The thing is, this wasn't about him. This wasn't his test. It was mine. I was supposed to love him with the love of God. I was supposed to love him unconditionally and not judge him and be understanding. I did none if those things. I acted according to my emotions. I made a dire, long term decision based on my short term feelings.

Talk about a lack of self control.

I didn't stop and woo-sah. I didn't say a prayer. I got angrier and angrier as time passed and I reacted the same way I had done before. I reacted to what I was feeling.

And instead of putting the enemy on notice and letting him know that I was not going to stand for his attack on my man and my relationship, I told my boyfriend that he had succeeded in making our relationship one of the worst I had ever been in.

I failed.

The silver lining: I recognize that I am moved by my emotions. I realize that I need to practice self control when I'm upset. I need to take some time to breathe, reflect, and go to God in prayer.

I came to the realization that I cannot succeed in this, or any other relationship, without God. He is the third strand that makes the three strand cord strong. He is why it cannot be easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Without God I failed at maneuvering an imperfect relationship. With Him... Well, maybe I can do it, now. I think I can. We'll find out at my next test.