Overcoming the Silent Treatment

I tried a new relationship. It’s been difficult. We both brought with us some lingering issues from past relationships. From life, in general. But before we can move forward toward happiness, our past issues have to be resolved. Right?

We all go though trials. And some of us handle them better than others. In this case, he didn’t handle them well. When faced with difficulty, he would withdraw to himself and not speak to some of the people close to him. I can’t speak for anybody else, but that ABSOLUTELY BUGGED ME. Actually, it pissed me off!! I felt that it was dysfunctional and selfish to shut out the people who love you because life got a little difficult for you. It was unhealthy. But, so was the way I reacted to it.

Knowing that I had done nothing to warrant the silent treatment, I would immediately get upset at his lack of communication. I would text and call (mostly text) incessantly - with no response. And every time he would ignore me, I would get angrier. How dare he ignore me? I didn’t do anything to him! Why do I deserve to be treated this way??

I didn’t. But it was not what it seemed.

According to him, what he experienced during those times of withdrawal was a severe depression that prevented him from picking up the phone.

His words.

That should be easy enough to understand, right?

Well… I had no understanding.

I did not get it! How could you ignore people who loved you and who you said you loved? How could you – why would you – push away the people who could help you and encourage you through your situation? Why would you want to try to handle the hardness of life alone when you have a support system?

To me, it was obvious that no one would ever do that. I am struggling with turmoil in my own life and I don’t ever do that. I feel better when I talk about my troubles with my sister or my cousins or even him. Did he not feel that he could talk to me? We could talk all night about stuff that didn’t matter. Did he not trust me with the stuff that did matter?

Maybe that’s the question…

But that wasn’t the real reason why his silent treatment bugged me, why I had no understanding. The truth is, my ex-husband was notorious about giving me the silent treatment. He was cruel with it and would torture me with his silence. He would walk through our home ignoring me, treating me as if I had done something to him. I would rack my brain trying to figure out what it was that I had done or said. I never intentionally said or did things to provoke him. So, I knew in my heart that I hadn’t done anything. But if I hadn’t, why would my husband who loves me treat me as if I had?  

The million-dollar question… But, I digress…

I believe that all of the hurt and confusion I felt from experiencing the silent treatment in my marriage resurfaced when my boyfriend would withdraw in the new relationship. Feelings that I hadn’t felt or thought about in many years all of sudden came flooding back when I was faced with a similar situation. One was deliberate. The other, possibly not. Both hurt.

What I realized is that I needed some healing to take place. From something that happened nearly 20 years ago! But thank God I was triggered to the point of understanding, to the point of revelation. Now, I can see that it’s not always what it seems. And I can receive my healing.

I don’t know where God is going to carry the relationship, but He has carried me to deliverance. I now know why I get so hurt when he withdraws. And though I can’t (and shouldn’t) condone his behavior, hopefully I can react to it differently. Maybe we’ll see.

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, he brought some insecurities into the relationship, too. But this blog is about MY back story. And I think I’ve told enough of his business. So, I’m going to keep those to myself. I’m sure you understand. 😊 See you next time!

Missing My Mom

My mom got sick around the end of 2020. Not of Covid. Of lung cancer. The disease progressed very quickly, and she spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Her body started to get weak and, I believe, her mind did too.

It seemed like she just gave up.

When she realized she was sick, I believe she felt it was beyond her control. She solidified in her mind that she could not beat her sickness and that she was going to die.

It bugged me!

It bugged me that she talked so much about death. It bugged me that she seemingly so easily resigned to the fact that she was going to die. It bugged me that she refused to fight. It bugged me that the people around her were resigned to her death, saying things like “It’ll be any day now!” It bugged me that she called up family members asking if they were prepared for her to die.

It bugged me…

I wanted her to fight! I wanted the situation to be her strengthening moment. Her defining moment. Her freedom moment. I wanted her to buck up, resist the devil, and reclaim her life! I wanted her to be her own hero and come out of that sickness victorious!!

It wasn’t meant to be.

And I didn’t handle it gracefully. I was broken. Seeing my mother give up broke me.

In our last conversation, my mother complained that her body was giving out and she couldn’t do anything about it. She couldn’t do anything on her own. In her voice was acceptance, reconciliation, and self-pity. And in my voice… weariness and anger.

I couldn’t listen to her talk about death. I couldn’t listen to her give up on life. I told her that I couldn’t. I told her that I wouldn’t. We ended the call.

I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with my mom. If I had known, maybe I would have reacted differently. Maybe I would have listened. Maybe I would have prayed with her or encouraged her. I didn’t.

Three days later, when I finally called my mom back, she couldn’t take my call. Her health had deteriorated even more, and she had lost her ability to speak. She couldn’t tell me how she was feeling. She couldn’t tell me what she could and could not do. She couldn’t say anything.

But she could hear me. I got to say my last hello. And my last goodbye.

She was able to hear me tell her that I love her. She knew. That’s what matters.

My mom died on March 24, 2021.

I miss her so much.

Although I’m broken and unable to come to grips with my mom’s death - unable to believe it - there’s one thing I do understand, one thing I’m certain of …

My mother is finally free! She doesn’t have to worry, struggle, and stress anymore. She can finally live unbound.

She can finally get some rest.