My Ex Was My Blessing

Before I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, before I ever called him, God told me that he would be a blessing to me.

In fact, that was the reason I called him.

I thought, if God says that a man will be a blessing to me, he can't be all bad.

And he wasn't. He did several wonderful things to make me happy. But, the arguments seemed to overshadow everything else.

Most of the things we argued about were petty. But, in the end, they helped me.

I had been single for a very long time. I would tell people - and I truly believed - that I was single to get to know myself and draw closer to God. The truth is, this was only one of the reasons I remained single.

I was single to avoid being hurt. To avoid unnecessary drama. So that I didn't have to answer to anyone. So that I could guarantee my peace.

And it worked!

I was happy being single. I got lonely sometimes, and did wish I had some companionship. I also often yearned for a family of my own. But, for the most part, I was good.

I valued my singleness.

But, I couldn't remain single forever. At some point, I had to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance on a man... a relationship... and possibly even love.

So, I stepped out. And I reached out. And I stepped in.

And it was exactly what I needed.

The relationship may have been short lived and it may have hurt when we broke up, but my ex-boyfriend was truly a blessing to me. He brought out things inside of me that I never knew were there. Feelings that I thought were gone. Unforgiveness that I thought was worked out.

He didn't do it compassionately or softly. But, he did it. I wouldn't have realized that these things were still there if it weren't for him. If it weren't for the relationship.

If it weren't for him, I would not have been able to receive my healing. I would still be dwelling in my past. Still holding on to past hurts. Still hurting deep inside and taking my pain out on others.

I would still be stuck...and not realize it.

The relationship brought out fears and worries and distrust. Things I thought I had dealt with years ago. But, were still lying dormant inside of me.

If it weren't for my ex, I would not be writing this blog. Using it as a double edged sword, receiving my healing while helping others to heal, too.

My ex helped me to come to revelation. And he was chosen by God to do so.

Our break up was hard. I'm still struggling with it today. But, I am thankful for my ex! Because he was a blessing to me. A blessing that I am sure I can take into my future. 

A Year Later

A year later and I'm still at my aunt's house. I honestly didn't think I would be here this long. My plan was to finish school and QUICKLY find a job and venture out on my own. 

NO. SUCH. LUCK.

I have submitted hundreds and more hundreds of resumes and filled out too many applications to count... and nobody has hired me.

In fact, out of the hundreds of jobs that I have applied for, only TWO have showed any real interest. And those did not pan out.

I have heard multiple times how great my resume is and how qualified I am, but that's as far as it has gone. I've been having no luck on the job front. 

I was so stressed about not finding a job that I ended up in the hospital for a few days a few months ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and had my aunt take me to the ER. 

Thankfully it was not a heart attack! The doctor said that my heart is strong. The symptoms that I experienced - chest tightness, back pain, pain in both of my arms, lightheadedness, and nausea - mimicked a heart attack, but were from cervical muscle spasms. 

All side effects of stress. 

I had to take stock of my situation and remind myself that everything I was trying to do was out of my control. For my part, I can apply for the jobs and follow up. I cannot MAKE anyone hire me. 

It's funny because before my MBA, I had no problem finding work. Now, hiring managers are telling me that I am overqualified and companies are afraid that they will have to pay me a salary worthy of an MBA. 

They are right.

That's why I am now applying for the positions ABOVE the ones I usually apply for - the ones I USED to apply for. Above the ones I know I could get without a problem if I left out the fact that I have a Master's degree.

I am applying for positions that are sure to challenge me. 

There was a time in my life when I chased challenges. I always chose the option that was more challenging in an attempt to push myself farther than I had gone before. And I felt proud and more confident every time I overcame a challenge.

Then life got to me. I began to fear failure and I started hanging out in my comfort zone. 

But, now I have overcome fear and I am ready to conquer challenges again. I am ready to push myself toward something greater than I had allowed myself to strive for before. I want more than just what I am used to. I want to step over boundaries and challenge myself again. 

So, I am not going to allow myself to settle for convenience or what others think I should do. I will not settle for jobs that are easy and easily obtainable. 

I AM PUSHING MYSELF TO THE NEXT LEVEL. 

It's what God has been urging me to do. It's necessary for this season I'm in. 

And let's face it, God is not going to let me go for anything less than His best for me anyways.

My Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Financial Decision!

I ended 2017 with a whimper. Nothing important happened. Nothing exciting. I was still sitting lazy and comfortable in my now furnished apartment... and getting fat. 

I didn't go back to work after my surgery. I was always sick when I worked at that place. And I think it was the extreme stress that sent me into surgery in the first place. So, I decided to focus on completing my Master's degree and looking for an easy part-time job to make some extra money.

I applied to several places close by my apartment so that I wouldn't have to take much time commuting. That way, I could still focus primarily on my studies. 

NO ONE HIRED ME! 

I guess I wasn't really bothered. I was okay with staying at home. I was surviving off of financial aid. My bills were paid, I was comfortable, I was eating... I had no immediate worries.

That is, until September of 2018. 

Money got a little strange that month. I received my regular financial aid refund very late. That delay caused a chain of misfortune that I still haven't quite recovered from. 

The payment was so late in September that I could not pay my rent that month, nor could I buy anything else that I needed.

Wait... Let me go back... 

In July, a good friend of mine passed away. I spend money I couldn't exactly afford to spend to travel to Chicago to her funeral. I made no complaints. I was happy to go. I wanted to be there to pay my respects. And I didn't feel the effects of the trip right away. 

In August, I still had SOME of the money I needed to pay my rent, but not all of it. So, to ensure my rent was paid, I wrote a check and counted on my overdraft protection to cover it. 

That was a very stupid and irresponsible idea!

But, I figured that I would be getting a check during the first week of September and I could pay it back. But it didn't happen that way...

The check I was supposed to receive around September 6th didn't arrive until September 25th. Nearly a whole month had passed without my rent getting paid! Luckily, I had never paid my rent late, so the landlord was patient with me.

In the meantime, I withdrew more money from my empty bank account to buy food and monthly necessities, which put me more into debt. 

By the time September 25th came around, my bank was demanding payment on the overdraft or my account would be suspended. 

I was freaking out! I had no idea when the financial aid refund would finally arrive.

When it did, it was received via direct deposit, and the bank immediately took the money that I owed them. I was, again, left with only a portion of the rent.

I didn't have anyone I could call on to ask for the remainder of the money... and I felt it was too much to ask of someone anyways. And my landlord had run out of patience. He could not take partial payment and let me pay the rest later. 

The problem was, September was the last month on my lease and since it was so late in the month, I would have had to pay October's rent as well to renew the lease if I wanted to stay. Needless to say, I couldn't afford both months, so I had to find someplace else to go. 

My aunt was gracious enough to allow me to stay with her for a while. Who knew how long "a while" would be?

The Break Up (It Was Necessary)

I recently went through a pretty bad break up. And, though the events leading to the break up were difficult and painful, they were necessary.

At first, I was perplexed by what happened. How did the relationship deteriorate so fast?

But, then I remembered that nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason.

Before this relationship, I was single for a very long time. I had gotten divorced in 2006 and had not had a serious and meaningful relationship since.

I would like to say that I was happy being single and content with being on my own. But in actuality, I avoided men and relationships to avoid being hurt. There's no unnecessary drama and foolishness in your life when you're single.

I also took the single time to heal from my very volatile relationship and subsequent divorce and felt I was getting over all that had happened.

It wasn't until I entered into what I considered a serious relationship that the truth of what had been held inside me came out.

I didn't even realize it, and wasn't fully aware until after the relationship fell apart, that I had begun expressing the fear of reliving what I had experienced in my last relationship.

The fear of being hurt, the fear of being deceived, the fear of being controlled and losing myself in the process... again... all came out of me.

I put up my wall of protection and preservation and reacted every time I noticed something remotely out of whack.

My ex quietly rebelled against my show of fear and quickly became exasperated. I say he quietly rebelled because he didn't outwardly talk to me about my actions or his frustration. He held it in, possibly not even realizing that he was getting angrier and angrier - until he blew up in what seemed like never-ending arguing.

Obviously, because the situation involves another person, I will not go into great detail about what happened, but I think I am touching on the main gist of the story...

Anyways... before I knew it, the relationship was over and I didn't quite understand what I had done to contribute to its breakdown.

Until God revealed my mistakes.

He reminded me of the situations where I could have been more supportive or more appreciative. He showed me where my fear had taken over and I wasn't quite being myself, saying and doing things I normally wouldn't.

I thought that I was over all of the pain from the past. After all, it had been nearly 13 years since I was divorced. I had no idea that it was still lying dormant, waiting for something, or someone, to come and wake it up.

It was unfortunate, and very painful, but it had to happen.

If I had remained single and never gotten into a relationship, I would have never known that those fears still existed. I would have never known that there were issues that I still had locked inside and needed to be worked out.

I was blindsided by what was inside me, as I'm sure he was. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm glad that it happened. I now have the chance to grow and overcome those fears. I am no longer bound by them and I don't have to be afraid to give all of myself to the right relationship.

To my ex... I'm sorry. I know you were caught in the crossfire and didn't know how to deal with what you were experiencing. Honestly, neither did I. I pray for healing and revelation for you, and above all, the understanding of the fullness of God's love.

And mine. I love you forever.

-Erika!

P.S. This blog is a part of my 365 days of consistency challenge. It was inspired by the necessary changes brought to light by the end of this relationship. To read the other posts that are contributing to my consistency and growth, click here.

Let's Catch Up

Well, I guess I should start where I last left off. It's been a long time since I've shared my story. The last time I shared, I believe I was in a small, cheap apartment in an undesirable neighborhood, living with minimal furniture. I barely had any belongings and I was attempting to save money for more important things.

I was very thankful for all that I had, even though it wasn't much. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to buy any furniture or anything that made life easier. Walking into an empty living room reminded me of the importance of working hard to provide for my future.

But, then I got sick.

I was working less and bringing in less money. And, eventually, I couldn't work at all. I had to use the small amount of money I had saved up to pay my monthly expenses. And I didn't get paid sick leave, so times got pretty hard.

I ended up having to have surgery and my family rallied around me. Concern about my after surgery comfort, combined with my upcoming birthday, convinced my family to purchase and provide me with the items I refused to buy for myself.

My mom got me a microwave. My aunt and cousin teamed up to get me a queen sized bed (which I was really thankful for since my air mattress had deflated and stubbornly refused my countless, and very professional, attempts to patch it up! 😁). And my uncle, helping my cousin with her moving expenses, bought her sectional sofa and 55 inch television and gave them to me.

So, there I was, at no expense of my own, with an apartment full of furniture and living in total comfort. Ain't God good?!?!

The gifts and subsequent comfort brought about something unexpected though...

I was still attending school to earn my master's degree, but I did nothing to work outside of my comfort zone. I think I got a little too comfortable. Again.

I lingered in comfort for a while with nothing challenging me except school. But, that would soon change.

Stay tuned... 👀😊

Consistency Challenge

I have experienced many inconsistencies in my life. Sadly, they stretch throughout just about every area of my life. So much so, that I have consistently failed to finish projects that I have started.

I have been extremely inconsistent with writing and posting to my blogs. I assume this inconsistency is the side effect of the evil culprit that had been plaguing me for a while - FEAR.

Because of fear, I lacked confidence and belief in myself and would abandon important projects that I had begun. I was afraid that I might fail, that no one would like my work, or read my blogs.

I even had a fear that I would succeed. I had become convinced that the responsibility of success would be too much for me.

The lies that I told myself about myself made it difficult to continue... to do anything. To complete anything.

When I came to the realization that fear is not real and that it was causing me lie to and sabotage myself, I decided to do something about it.

Instead of doubting myself and my abilities, I am taking on a new project that will not only break my streak of inconsistency, but will also help to increase my ability and my confidence in myself.

Huh?? You want to know what I am doing? Well, I'm glad you asked! (I know... That was corny! 😂)

I am initiating my own consistency challenge!

For the next 365 days - YES, AN ENTIRE YEAR - I will be writing and posting something on this or my Experience: Life blog EVERYDAY.

I will be writing about a variety of topics that will hopefully encourage, edify, inspire, and uplift all who read them. I will post life updates, product reviews, how tos, and more.

Basically, I will be writing and posting whatever I think will be worth the time you take out to read my blogs. The posts will entertain you and help me develop the habit of being more consistent.

Consider this post #1 on day #1 of my 365 day challenge. I ask for your support and encouragement as I return everyday, sharing more of myself with you and starting a trend of adopting positive habits.

I am looking forward to "hanging out" with you guys everyday and interacting with you. I hope you enjoy reading these posts as much as I love writing them. Please feel free to like, comment, and share as much as you would like!

"See" you tomorrow!!

-Erika!

Nothing

I started writing this post back in September 2018 but never finished it. I’ve been kind of scared to post it. I don’t know why. Shame, I guess.

I’ve made a lot of promises. Mostly to myself. But I told everyone who would listen, I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that. I did nothing.

I said that I was going to work hard for myself as I would for any other boss. Work hard at making my dreams come true. I did nothing. I said I was going to put in the same amount of effort, or more, for myself, than I would put in if I were working for someone else. I did nothing. I said I wasn’t going to get too comfortable working for someone else and that I was going to step out in faith in making my own dreams come true. Once again, I did nothing. I. DID. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING.

What I did do was get comfortable working a job I disliked so that I could bring home a steady paycheck to keep my bills paid. I pushed through sickness, discomfort, and pain to work a dead-end job that had no bearing on my future. But, I refused to wake up a little earlier in the morning to make time for myself.

I’m ashamed.

At first, I blamed it on a lack of time. I had to commute by bus to my job everyday then walk about a quarter mile to my office. The buses ran a little farther apart in the evening, so it would take me a little longer to get home than it did for me to get to work. When I got home, I had to cook and eat dinner, get showered, and get prepared for the next day. By the time my to-do list was complete, it would be after 11 pm and I had to go to bed so that I could wake up early the next morning and be out the door by 6:15 am.

And then, I got sick. I was in so much pain that it was difficult for me to go to work. I would force myself into the office on most days, but the pain was unbearable. I would either end up going home early, or I would be out for the next couple of days, trying to recover from the trauma of sitting at my desk.

During my time at home, before and after the surgery, I had plenty of time to work on my dream. To put something together to ensure that once I was healed, I would have a starting point. I did nothing.
I talked about it a lot, though. All the time. Always telling someone what I was going to do. But still, I did nothing.

I wrote idea after idea in a notebook and did nothing with them. I wrote down dreams and goals and plans but did nothing. I wrote and repeated affirmations and listened to motivational messages but still couldn’t bring myself to actually get up and do anything. I turned my wheels but accomplished nothing.

Right now, I sit here a failure. I allowed fear of opinion and rejection to stop me from pursuing my dreams and doing the work required to realize them. I sit here with nothing. No money, no prospects, and seemingly no future.

Well, I guess I do have something… I have ideas. I have goals. I have plans. And it’s high time I put them to work!