On the Road Again

After staying with my ex-roommate for two weeks, a friend offered me the opportunity to stay with her for a week. I accepted and tried not to be too much of a burden, staying out of her way as much as I could. I spent the majority of the time in the living room, sitting on the couch where I slept. I used my own toiletries, including toilet paper, toothpaste and soap and I didnt eat too much of her food unless she offered (even though she told me that I could eat whatever I wanted). I would often sit in the dark as not to waste any unneccessary electricity and I watched very little tv, keeping my ear phones in, listening to gospel music and motivational speeches on my phone.

Things seemed to be going fine until I asked what I meant to be an innocent question.

She had been acting a little differently the night before and I felt a little uncomfortable that morning, so I decided to ask her if she was mad at me. That was a mistake. Though she said that she was not mad and we had moved on from the conversation, she came back later that night wanting to rehash it. She had taken the day and, in her own words, "over analyzed" the question I had asked her and applied it to all the help she had ever offered me and brought up situations that had happened weeks before. I tried to tell her that I was only referring to the events of that day and didn't understand why she was bringing up things that had nothing to do with what I had asked her.

As the conversation progressed, she expressed how she didn't understand my decisions, questioning my relationship with God and if I had heard Him correctly. She seemed to be upset because I wasn't worried and panicking about my situation. I found myself explaining my actions and decisions and trying to get her to see that they were decisions I needed to make, even if she didn't understand them. I reminded her that the bible says that I should be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make my requests known to God (Philippians 4:6). In other words, don't worry about it, pray about it. How can I claim to be a woman of God and freak out when something doesn't go my way? If I say I trust God, shouldn't I trust Him, even when times are tough? She would not allow herself to understand that, and ended the conversation by telling me that she would prefer that I left her apartment before the weekend (and before the time she told me I could stay).

I slept there that night, took care of some business the next day, and was on the road again by evening. I still had my bus pass and rode the busses around for a few hours until God told me where to go. He guided me to a clearing that was hidden by a large wall, a couple trees, and lots of smaller bushes. The clearing was right out in the open, but it kept me well hidden.

The wall covered two sides of the area and bushes surrounded the other two sides. The two large trees provided a cover and multiple flood lights, situated around the perimeter, made it difficult to see inside. In the middle of the clearing sat a welcomed surprise... a shopping cart. When I saw it, I smiled, because I realized that God was providing a place for me to sleep, making sure I didn't have to sleep on the ground again.

Thinking that I could not fit inside of the shopping cart, I laid it on its side and spread my body across it. I was very uncomfortable, but I was thankful that I didn't have to sleep on the cold, wet ground. I ignored the discomfort and slept as best as I could.

Before I left my friend's apartment, I dressed quite warmly and packed extra clothes in case I needed more layers. I slept in a very soft, very warm pair of sweat pants, along with a second pair of socks, my fleece pullover, a large and cozy crocheted scarf, gloves and a beanie. And I used a small blanket to cover my head, keeping the wind out. Though it was chilly outside, I was nice and toasty!

Sleep was hard to come by that first night. I was scared I would be discovered and asked to move on. Though I was able to get a little sleep, I was jolted awake with every bush that rustled and every car I heard pass by in the distance.

I got up early enough the next morning to catch the earliest bus that came through the area. I rode around the city, taking in the bus' heat and enjoying some more sleep, until the downtown library opened. I spent the day in the library, writing and applying for jobs and trying my best to stay awake. Once the library closed, I got back on the bus for as long as I could, then I hung out at a 24 hour WalMart and charged my phone until it was late enough for no one to see me going into the clearing.

This time, I climbed into the shopping cart and was surprised that, even though I couldn't stretch out inside of it, I fit. It wasn't the most comfortable situation, but a lot more so than the night before. With my knees to my chest, my arms hugging my knees, and my backpack acting as cushion and insulation, I felt warmer and more comfortable than the night before. I rested my head on the handle end of the shopping cart, sank down into it, and relaxed.

How awesome God is! While riding the bus earlier that day, He urged me to try sitting inside the shopping cart. I argued that I didn't think I would be able to fit, but decided that since He hadn't steered me wrong thus far, I would try it. That was one of the best nights sleep I had since I had been homeless.Though it wasn't something I wanted to get used to, I looked forward to going to my cart to rest at night. There were a lot of people who did not have that.

The next morning was Sunday. Once again, I woke up early enough to catch the first bus of the morning and rode until it was time to go to church. I arrived a little early and washed up in the church's bathroom and took a little nap on the back pew before worship service started. Though I had slept better inside the shopping cart than on top of it the previous night, it wasnt a restful sleep, and two days and nights on the streets had exhausted me.

It was an emotional worship service for me and I worshipped like never before. I felt sadness and gratitude, happiness and frustration. All I knew is that I needed to praise God! Everything in me yearned to be close to Him and I couldn't help singing along with the music and proclaiming my victory.

The blessed part of the service was the sermon my pastor preached. It described the recent events of my life, including my willingness to make difficult decisions and follow God's instructions, whether they were what I wanted or not. Sure, my situation is difficult, but I belive that I am right where God wants me to be. He guides me constantly and gives me prophetic visions and dreams.

I gained more clarity about my situation, as well as what God expects of me from worship and the sermon on that Sunday. I sincerely hope others did, as well.

How Did I Get Here?

This has been the most difficult post I've had to write, so far. It's been difficult because I've had to be as honest with myself, about myself, as I have promised to be to you. I had to critique my every move and honestly ask myself if every action and decison was the best. I've come to the conclusion that even though some decisions were necessary, others were not. Some decisions were the result of my own unwillingness to leave my comfort zone to do what needed to be done.

Ultimately, I am in my current situation for one reason - disobedience.

Whenever I pray, I ask God to guide me toward His will. With every decision that needs to be made, my prayer is that God will provide the answer. The problem, though, is that if I didn't understand where God was leading me or if His answers made me uncomfortable, I would tend to put it off. It's not that I would just rebel and straight up tell God that I'm not going to do it. I had every intention to do what I was told. I even made plans and preparations to get the tasks done.

I have filled so many spiral notebooks with business plans, checklists, stories, poetry, and ideas to pursue. I would start working on a project with gusto, then, after what I felt was a failed attempt, I would convince myself that I couldn't do it. I wasnt good enough to write a book. Noone would want to read my poetry and short stories. Who would want to sing one of my songs? I didn't believe in myself and I put my creativity aside because of my disbelief. I did not belive my work would be beneficial to anyone. So, why bother?

In an effort to pursue my dreams of entrepreneurship, I started a couple businesses. One of which I've tried three times! Neither of them ever quite got off of the ground. Clients were left hanging and I was left with another FAIL under my belt.

I have had clients tell me that I was great at what I did. They have even switched to my company from my competitor because I offered a better service. These reviews should have provided enough confidence to propel me forward, but somehow, I still did not believe that I could effectively sell myself and convince people to utilize my services.

I lacked the confidence needed to approach people. I would solicit close friends and family and, though they didn't exactly say no, they would keep putting me off until I would eventually stop asking. I gave up. They didn't want to support me anyways, right? Or, at least thats what I thought.

I found myself focusing on my limitations instead of the possibilities. I wasn't resourceful enough to use what I had to get ahead. I had tools at my disposal that I refused to utilize, or even notice that I could. I chose to focus on the things I did not have. I convinced myself that I could not work without these things and they were the reason why people weren't working with me.

Laziness played a big hand in my disobedience, as well. I have been known to procrastinate on an occasion or two. I would put off completing tasks so much that they piled up like laundry. When I finally got around to completing a task, I would scold myself because of how easy it was to get done.

And let's not forget about fear. Fear has reared it's ugly head way too many times, for my liking. I was afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to be known, afraid to be exposed, afraid to step out of my comfort zone and afraid of what people might say and think about me.

Fear kept me paralyzed for a long time. So many projects went unfinished. So many attempts, failed. Fear is the blame. Fear is the number one reason for my disobedience. Without fear, I probably would have approached that person about my business. Without fear, I might have began blogging a year ago about living a healthy lifestyle instead of living on the streets. Without fear, I would have followed my dreams and now be the businesswoman I've always wanted to be.

Fear, combined with lack of confidence, procrastination, and negative thinking assisted in getting me where I am today. My mind was programmed to believe that I couldn't, that I wouldn't. I wasn't talented enough. I didn't have what it takes. I would never make it. And I almost believed them. I almost let the negative thoughts defeat me. But, I won't be defeated. I have a purpose to pursue.

My Night on the Town

Before my roommate and I moved out of our apartment, she inquired as to where I was going to be staying. Nowhere. I had no idea where I was going to go. She told me that I could stay with her if I needed to. I didn’t answer right away because I was baffled by that proposition. She had barely spoken to me in the weeks and months leading up to the move, yet now she was offering her couch…. I didn’t understand that.

There was hope, though. A friend, when she heard that I didn’t have any place to go once I moved out of my apartment, invited me to come and stay with her. At first, I was reluctant because she had just moved into her apartment, escaping from a difficult situation. I did not want to intrude upon her new found freedom. But the closer I got to the day I had to move out, I decided that I had to take her up on her offer.

My hope was short lived. My friend informed me that she realized that she had reacted out of emotion and would have to rescind her offer because of some personal issues she was currently dealing with. I understood. I mean, I was dealing with some personal issues of my own. I know how it feels to be in a situation that is out of your control and be in a position where you are unable to help someone else, no matter how much you want to.

She did help me to move my belongings and even allowed me to store them at her home. She let me stay with her the first two nights, but then, I was on my own. She really did help as much as she could. She fed me and gave me money, and told me that I could stop by to shower and sleep when I needed to.

So, I was left that first day and night to take on the city.

I used the money my friend had given me to buy a bus pass and I was approved for emergency food stamp assistance the day before, so I was able to get something to eat. There also happened to be a man on a street corner in the city’s downtown area who was helping people sign up for the Lifeline phone service. The awesome thing is that he had the phones right there with him and he handed them out for free if the applicant was approved.

Woo-hoo!!! Things were looking up for me! I had a bus pass that would allow me to go where ever I wanted to go within the city for a whole month. I had some money from some Mary Kay products I had sold before I moved out. AND, I had a brand new Lifeline phone with 250 minutes and unlimited texting. I’ve never been one to readily accept government assistance, but in this case… I had to do what I had to do… and I was thankful!

I spent most of the day riding busses and writing and surfing the internet in the library. That evening, I stopped by Walmart to get me some food and a flashlight to prepare for my first night on the streets.

When I started my day, I had no worries. I didn’t have any bills to pay, nothing to clean up, no dinners to cook, or papers to write. I felt free. I looked forward to sleeping out underneath the stars and relaxing. I thought back to my days in the Marine Corps when I would lay out on my cot in the desert, enjoying the cool breeze and looking up at the clear skies.  

The actual experience of sleeping on the streets was quite different. Police and security officers seemed to troll the streets, looking for people like me. I saw some people living in the woods earlier that day, but the thought of going into the woods in the middle of the night frightened me. What if there were snakes and critters in those woods? What if someone else was already living there? I needed a plan B. I found a vacant shopping center and I thought I could make my bed behind one of the large planters, but there was a lot of traffic rolling through and the wind began to blow hard and fierce. I had to find a place that was more covered and would protect me from the wind.

I found a dark area where there was a tree surrounded by thick bushes. I figured I could lean against the tree and the bushes would hide me, not only from the elements, but from the public. It worked for a while, until the sprinklers came on. It was much too cold out there to get soaked.

Just across the parking lot, there was an empty bench waiting for me. It was hidden in a dark corner outside of a grocery store. I got comfortable on that bench for a while, laying down with my head on my backpack. I allowed myself to relax as I observed the life that continued around me. It was between midnight and one in the morning, yet there were still people working at the local hardware store. The nearby fast food restaurant was busy with cars going in and out of its drive-thru line and people walking in to enjoy a midnight snack. I had just decided that this would be where I would spend my evening when a pair of bright headlights shone in my face. It was time to move on.

I walked for a bit, trying to find someplace else to rest. I spotted a dark area near a department store and thought I would see how long I could rest there. I set the alarm on my phone for a couple of hours and laid down to try to get some sleep. I did sleep – for about an hour – when a security guard, from his vehicle’s loud speaker, told me that I couldn’t sleep there. I quickly and quietly got up and walked on.

This time I went to an old, abandoned restaurant. I had stopped by this place earlier in the evening, but it looked like someone had already claimed the space. There were phone books stacked in a dark, secluded corner and there were the leftovers of a recently eaten meal. I thought that I better not stay in case whomever was there came back. But no one ever did. The corner looked the same way it did before – undisturbed and waiting for me. I sat down and got as comfortable as I could in the little cleared space. It would be where I would rest for the night.

As I sat there, wishing I had settled in this place earlier, a hopeless feeling swept over me. My feet were hurting and my body was aching, and for the first time since I realized that I would be homeless, I felt like crying. I finally saw my situation for what it was, and I no longer felt carefree and alive. For a brief moment, I wanted to give up.

But then… I felt comfort. I heard God tell me that this would not be my end and He reminded me of His promises. He gave me a vision that He had shown me many times before and told me not to worry. I remembered that He promised to take care of me, never to leave me nor forsake me. I smiled and thanked God that I finally had a place to rest.

I woke up a couple of hours later and the first thing I heard was the Holy Spirit saying my ex-roommate’s first name, telling me to call her.

The busses had started running around that time and I climbed aboard. I rested my head against the window and slept. I rode a few busses around the city that morning and got a few hours of sleep. When it seemed like a decent hour, I contacted my ex-roommate and asked if her offer for me to stay with her for a while was still on the table. She said yes and told me I could stay with her for a week or two. I happily accepted.