This has been the most difficult post I've had to write, so far. It's been difficult because I've had to be as honest with myself, about myself, as I have promised to be to you. I had to critique my every move and honestly ask myself if every action and decison was the best. I've come to the conclusion that even though some decisions were necessary, others were not. Some decisions were the result of my own unwillingness to leave my comfort zone to do what needed to be done.
Ultimately, I am in my current situation for one reason - disobedience.
Whenever I pray, I ask God to guide me toward His will. With every decision that needs to be made, my prayer is that God will provide the answer. The problem, though, is that if I didn't understand where God was leading me or if His answers made me uncomfortable, I would tend to put it off. It's not that I would just rebel and straight up tell God that I'm not going to do it. I had every intention to do what I was told. I even made plans and preparations to get the tasks done.
I have filled so many spiral notebooks with business plans, checklists, stories, poetry, and ideas to pursue. I would start working on a project with gusto, then, after what I felt was a failed attempt, I would convince myself that I couldn't do it. I wasnt good enough to write a book. Noone would want to read my poetry and short stories. Who would want to sing one of my songs? I didn't believe in myself and I put my creativity aside because of my disbelief. I did not belive my work would be beneficial to anyone. So, why bother?
In an effort to pursue my dreams of entrepreneurship, I started a couple businesses. One of which I've tried three times! Neither of them ever quite got off of the ground. Clients were left hanging and I was left with another FAIL under my belt.
I have had clients tell me that I was great at what I did. They have even switched to my company from my competitor because I offered a better service. These reviews should have provided enough confidence to propel me forward, but somehow, I still did not believe that I could effectively sell myself and convince people to utilize my services.
I lacked the confidence needed to approach people. I would solicit close friends and family and, though they didn't exactly say no, they would keep putting me off until I would eventually stop asking. I gave up. They didn't want to support me anyways, right? Or, at least thats what I thought.
I found myself focusing on my limitations instead of the possibilities. I wasn't resourceful enough to use what I had to get ahead. I had tools at my disposal that I refused to utilize, or even notice that I could. I chose to focus on the things I did not have. I convinced myself that I could not work without these things and they were the reason why people weren't working with me.
Laziness played a big hand in my disobedience, as well. I have been known to procrastinate on an occasion or two. I would put off completing tasks so much that they piled up like laundry. When I finally got around to completing a task, I would scold myself because of how easy it was to get done.
And let's not forget about fear. Fear has reared it's ugly head way too many times, for my liking. I was afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to be known, afraid to be exposed, afraid to step out of my comfort zone and afraid of what people might say and think about me.
Fear kept me paralyzed for a long time. So many projects went unfinished. So many attempts, failed. Fear is the blame. Fear is the number one reason for my disobedience. Without fear, I probably would have approached that person about my business. Without fear, I might have began blogging a year ago about living a healthy lifestyle instead of living on the streets. Without fear, I would have followed my dreams and now be the businesswoman I've always wanted to be.
Fear, combined with lack of confidence, procrastination, and negative thinking assisted in getting me where I am today. My mind was programmed to believe that I couldn't, that I wouldn't. I wasn't talented enough. I didn't have what it takes. I would never make it. And I almost believed them. I almost let the negative thoughts defeat me. But, I won't be defeated. I have a purpose to pursue.
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