My Move to Virginia, Continued

I spent the first five months in Virginia living in a hotel. It was one of those extended stay hotels with a kitchenette and living room. It was within walking distance of Walmart and surrounded by other major grocery stores, convenience stores, department stores, and restaurants.

God had told me not to attempt to move into an apartment yet, but to rest in the hotel. I wasn’t sure why, but I obeyed.

Obedience wasn’t difficult. I didn’t have much money left over after I paid my hotel rent, anyways. Once I bought food and a bus pass, I barely had any money left. Especially not to save for a deposit and first month’s rent for an apartment.

It wasn’t terrible living in the hotel. Other than the thin walls and the rude, thieving staff, the hotel was fairly comfortable.

There were many people who had made their home there. Though I didn’t necessarily want to be one of them, I didn’t have much room to complain. I had a warm bed. I was able to cook nutritious meals. I had privacy and a place to come in out of the rain.

It wasn’t ideal. But it was my temporary home, and I was thankful.

Within just a few weeks of moving to Virginia, just as I was getting comfortable in the hotel, my mother passed away. I knew she was sick before I moved. But, I was optimistic. I didn’t believe her sickness would end in death.

So, I had to check out of the hotel and go back to Florida. I ended up staying in Florida for a couple of weeks and returned to Virginia right before I started my new job.

I tried to continue with life as usual. 

I checked back into the hotel. I continued to go to school. I started a new job. I even picked up a new man.

I thought that I could push my way through the loss of my mother.

I don’t usually take death as hard as some people do. I have an understanding about it. Death is a part of life and we will all have to experience it someday. I honestly thought that I could handle my mother’s death, too.

I was wrong.

It became increasingly difficult for me to focus and concentrate. I started falling behind in school and ended up withdrawing. I found myself crying at the bus stop or at my desk at work. I was sad and fatigued and all I wanted to do was sleep and talk to my boyfriend on the phone.

It shocked me!

I had such a hard time dealing with it. There was something missing after my mother died. I felt as if a piece of me had gone along with her. 

So, there I was, by myself in Virginia, feeling more alone than ever.

And things would get worse.  (I will share...)

I began to doubt my move. I began to wonder if I had heard God wrong. Or if I had heard Him at all. What if I had made a mistake?

I prayed and cried out about it. “God, what’s going on?!” “Why is this happening to me?!” I was ready to turn around and go back to Florida when God assured me that I was on the right track.

I was moved for a reason. I was isolated for a reason. I was being broken for a reason.

I was encouraged by God to stay put and not give up.

If we give up every time our circumstances get hard, we’ll never get anything accomplished. We’ll never grow and mature. We’ll never get anywhere in life.

So, I obeyed, and I stayed – there in the pain and difficulty.  

But God didn’t stop there. There would be more obeying for me to do.

The Last Time We Spoke

The last time I spoke with you, I told you that I would share the trials of my life throughout 2021 and how they affected me. The thing is, I was still experiencing those trials at the time of that last post. I still am, in some ways. But, things have gotten progressively better for me. I have made some drastic changes in my life and in my mind. 

It’s so funny how fast time flies when you’re busy dealing with life and trying to figure things out. I’ve learned so much in the last 6 months alone! It’s like God has sped up the learning process for me. I’m feeling a great sense of urgency that I can’t explain. I don’t know exactly what’s coming, but I feel that something BIG is about to happen. 

I’m excited about it! And apprehensive at the same time. Am I ready for what’s next? Have I learned all of the lessons that I need to learn? Have I internalized them? 

God knows. 

I have said before, and I truly believe, that every experience is a learning opportunity. I believe that everything - good or bad - happens for a reason. And when we search for that reason, we will learn very valuable lessons that we can take forward and apply to similar situations in the future. Whenever I go through difficult situations, I ask God to show me the lesson in them. I realize I’m not going through these situations for nothing. What should I be learning? What should I take away from this? 

Many of us are trapped in our lack of understanding of why something has happened or is happening to us. We tend to just sit in our situations, upset that they are happening and allowing them, rather than being active in getting through them. I encourage you to, right in the middle of it, ask God why you’re going through that difficulty. What lesson are you to learn from it? How are you to proceed forward?

You can even ask about something that has happened to you in the past. Try not to ask in accusation. But, go to God in humility and ask in order to gain knowledge and understanding. 

Many people think that we can’t talk to God or ask Him tough questions, but we can. Old religion has taught us that we aren’t supposed to “question” God; we’re not supposed to ask Him what or why. But Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us not to lean on our own understanding. It tells us to go to God for His understanding and His direction. How are we supposed to gain true understanding and know in what direction we are supposed to go if we don’t ask? 

God tells us we can come to Him (Matthew 11:28) and His Word encourages us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). He has made Himself available to us all. And he IS listening!

Once I submitted myself to God and humbled myself before Him, He began to highlight my insufficiencies – places where I was spiritually bound and the reasons why I was struggling. He began to show me where and how I can improve and become a better, more powerful, version of myself. 

I’m still working and growing, but I think I’m ready to share my experiences and lessons with you, again. I’m ready to take you through my journey over the last couple of years, as well as share what is going on with me right now. It’s been quite an adventure!! A lot has happened! And I believe that, through it all, God has been - and is - preparing me for what and where He is about to take me into next!

Overcoming the Silent Treatment

I tried a new relationship. It’s been difficult. We both brought with us some lingering issues from past relationships. From life, in general. But before we can move forward toward happiness, our past issues have to be resolved. Right?

We all go though trials. And some of us handle them better than others. In this case, he didn’t handle them well. When faced with difficulty, he would withdraw to himself and not speak to some of the people close to him. I can’t speak for anybody else, but that ABSOLUTELY BUGGED ME. Actually, it pissed me off!! I felt that it was dysfunctional and selfish to shut out the people who love you because life got a little difficult for you. It was unhealthy. But, so was the way I reacted to it.

Knowing that I had done nothing to warrant the silent treatment, I would immediately get upset at his lack of communication. I would text and call (mostly text) incessantly - with no response. And every time he would ignore me, I would get angrier. How dare he ignore me? I didn’t do anything to him! Why do I deserve to be treated this way??

I didn’t. But it was not what it seemed.

According to him, what he experienced during those times of withdrawal was a severe depression that prevented him from picking up the phone.

His words.

That should be easy enough to understand, right?

Well… I had no understanding.

I did not get it! How could you ignore people who loved you and who you said you loved? How could you – why would you – push away the people who could help you and encourage you through your situation? Why would you want to try to handle the hardness of life alone when you have a support system?

To me, it was obvious that no one would ever do that. I am struggling with turmoil in my own life and I don’t ever do that. I feel better when I talk about my troubles with my sister or my cousins or even him. Did he not feel that he could talk to me? We could talk all night about stuff that didn’t matter. Did he not trust me with the stuff that did matter?

Maybe that’s the question…

But that wasn’t the real reason why his silent treatment bugged me, why I had no understanding. The truth is, my ex-husband was notorious about giving me the silent treatment. He was cruel with it and would torture me with his silence. He would walk through our home ignoring me, treating me as if I had done something to him. I would rack my brain trying to figure out what it was that I had done or said. I never intentionally said or did things to provoke him. So, I knew in my heart that I hadn’t done anything. But if I hadn’t, why would my husband who loves me treat me as if I had?  

The million-dollar question… But, I digress…

I believe that all of the hurt and confusion I felt from experiencing the silent treatment in my marriage resurfaced when my boyfriend would withdraw in the new relationship. Feelings that I hadn’t felt or thought about in many years all of sudden came flooding back when I was faced with a similar situation. One was deliberate. The other, possibly not. Both hurt.

What I realized is that I needed some healing to take place. From something that happened nearly 20 years ago! But thank God I was triggered to the point of understanding, to the point of revelation. Now, I can see that it’s not always what it seems. And I can receive my healing.

I don’t know where God is going to carry the relationship, but He has carried me to deliverance. I now know why I get so hurt when he withdraws. And though I can’t (and shouldn’t) condone his behavior, hopefully I can react to it differently. Maybe we’ll see.

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, he brought some insecurities into the relationship, too. But this blog is about MY back story. And I think I’ve told enough of his business. So, I’m going to keep those to myself. I’m sure you understand. 😊 See you next time!