I'm a Failure

I Failed

Actually, I failed AGAIN!

I fail a lot. I've failed in relationships, jobs, managing my finances effectively, business ventures, continuing my education, etc. Every time I look around, I am facing another failure.

Failure hurts and it's shameful, but it can also be used as a learning experience. Failure teaches us which way is right or wrong. What we should or should not do. Failure helps us see the best course of action so that we won't fail the next time.

If we take failure's advice.

I told you in my last post that if given the chance, I would attempt to handle things a bit differently in my relationship. Well... I didn't.

I failed.

I did not see any depression or oppression behind the behavior. I only saw the man... and HIS behavior. I saw what I perceived as selfishness and disrespect. And I saw him doing it for the umpteenth time - devaluing me, not seeing my worth, treating me as if I am not important to him.

The feeling was compounded by all the other times I had been dismissed like that and I decided that if he wouldn't value me and my time, I would.

I broke up with him.

And, once again, he used the situation he was facing as an excuse to ignore me. I used the fact that he was constantly ignoring me as an excuse to break up with him.

We both failed.

The thing is, this wasn't about him. This wasn't his test. It was mine. I was supposed to love him with the love of God. I was supposed to love him unconditionally and not judge him and be understanding. I did none if those things. I acted according to my emotions. I made a dire, long term decision based on my short term feelings.

Talk about a lack of self control.

I didn't stop and woo-sah. I didn't say a prayer. I got angrier and angrier as time passed and I reacted the same way I had done before. I reacted to what I was feeling.

And instead of putting the enemy on notice and letting him know that I was not going to stand for his attack on my man and my relationship, I told my boyfriend that he had succeeded in making our relationship one of the worst I had ever been in.

I failed.

The silver lining: I recognize that I am moved by my emotions. I realize that I need to practice self control when I'm upset. I need to take some time to breathe, reflect, and go to God in prayer.

I came to the realization that I cannot succeed in this, or any other relationship, without God. He is the third strand that makes the three strand cord strong. He is why it cannot be easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Without God I failed at maneuvering an imperfect relationship. With Him... Well, maybe I can do it, now. I think I can. We'll find out at my next test.