Nothing

I started writing this post back in September 2018 but never finished it. I’ve been kind of scared to post it. I don’t know why. Shame, I guess.

I’ve made a lot of promises. Mostly to myself. But I told everyone who would listen, I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that. I did nothing.

I said that I was going to work hard for myself as I would for any other boss. Work hard at making my dreams come true. I did nothing. I said I was going to put in the same amount of effort, or more, for myself, than I would put in if I were working for someone else. I did nothing. I said I wasn’t going to get too comfortable working for someone else and that I was going to step out in faith in making my own dreams come true. Once again, I did nothing. I. DID. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING.

What I did do was get comfortable working a job I disliked so that I could bring home a steady paycheck to keep my bills paid. I pushed through sickness, discomfort, and pain to work a dead-end job that had no bearing on my future. But, I refused to wake up a little earlier in the morning to make time for myself.

I’m ashamed.

At first, I blamed it on a lack of time. I had to commute by bus to my job everyday then walk about a quarter mile to my office. The buses ran a little farther apart in the evening, so it would take me a little longer to get home than it did for me to get to work. When I got home, I had to cook and eat dinner, get showered, and get prepared for the next day. By the time my to-do list was complete, it would be after 11 pm and I had to go to bed so that I could wake up early the next morning and be out the door by 6:15 am.

And then, I got sick. I was in so much pain that it was difficult for me to go to work. I would force myself into the office on most days, but the pain was unbearable. I would either end up going home early, or I would be out for the next couple of days, trying to recover from the trauma of sitting at my desk.

During my time at home, before and after the surgery, I had plenty of time to work on my dream. To put something together to ensure that once I was healed, I would have a starting point. I did nothing.
I talked about it a lot, though. All the time. Always telling someone what I was going to do. But still, I did nothing.

I wrote idea after idea in a notebook and did nothing with them. I wrote down dreams and goals and plans but did nothing. I wrote and repeated affirmations and listened to motivational messages but still couldn’t bring myself to actually get up and do anything. I turned my wheels but accomplished nothing.

Right now, I sit here a failure. I allowed fear of opinion and rejection to stop me from pursuing my dreams and doing the work required to realize them. I sit here with nothing. No money, no prospects, and seemingly no future.

Well, I guess I do have something… I have ideas. I have goals. I have plans. And it’s high time I put them to work!

Because He Lives

Some time ago, a friend asked me why I worry so much about the future, why I couldn't just live in the right now. I thought that was absurd! I mean, why wouldn't I plan for my future? Why wouldn't I question what will happen tomorrow? Why wouldn't I make today's decisions in preparation for tomorrow? I couldn't understand why it bugged my friend so much that I thought a lot about the future and wouldn't make a move today until I pondered how it would affect my future.

Then one day, I realized that I thought so hard about the future because I was afraid of it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of succeeding. I was afraid of not doing anything meaningful in my life and leaving this world without making my mark. I was scared. What if I let everyone down? What if I let God down?

I thought I needed to plan out my every move, every detail, until I was reminded that Jesus commanded us not to worry about tomorrow... for each day comes with troubles of its own (Matthew 6:34).  Then I remembered a song that I hadn't heard in a while: 

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Because I know that He holds the future.

And life is worth living just because He lives."

What an amazing reminder that God is always with me and because I have God, I have nothing to fear. I don't have to worry about my future because God holds it in His hands. I was reminded that my future is bright and I don't have to fret about what it holds or how to get there. All I have to do is trust in God's perfect plan for me.

Because I know that Jesus died, was resurrected and now lives so that I can have an abundant future, I do nothing but follow Him to it. I can finally face tomorrow - fearless.

Move In Day

On August 20, 2016, I moved into my new apartment. For months I had lived as homeless, sleeping from place to place. I yearned and prayed for a place of my own.

November 10, 2015 was the day I moved out of my last apartment because my lease had ended. I didn't have the money to renew the lease, and I had no place to go. I trashed, sold, gave away, or stored all of my belongings and prepared to live wherever I could.

I started my homeless adventure by sleeping on the couches of my ex-roommate and then a friend. When time ran out at those places, I moved to the shopping cart that I called home for the next couple of weeks.

Around mid December 2015, I was offered a spot sleeping on the floor of my friend's spare room. I soon set up an air mattress and stayed there for about 2 months.

From February to August last year, I lived in a hotel. It was expensive, but cozy and close to work. Then, about 3 weeks before I moved into my new apartment, I moved out of the hotel and slept on my cousin's couch in order to save money for the move in fees.

My cousin was a tremendous help with moving into my apartment. She had lived in the complex for several months and thought that I could benefit from the cheap rent and utilities. In fact, my cousin helped me throughout the entire moving process.

After she helped me to find the apartment, she submitted my application and initial fees and helped me move out of the hotel. And, on move in day, my cousin helped me move my belongings that were crowding her dining room, into my own.

My cousin was and always is very helpful, not only to me but to whomever needs assistance. Shout out to my amazing cousin Amelia! I love you!!

So now, I have been blessed with my own place. Honestly, it's not the type of neighborhood that I would usually choose to live in. It's not the type of apartment that I would usually choose for myself. It is nice and quite livable, though. It is cozy and has great potential.

I've been in the apartment for about six months, now. I don't have any furniture and I am sleeping on an air mattress. I'm eating off of paper plates, drinking out of plastic cups and using plastic silverware.

I decided to live this way, for now, in an attempt to save money and start an emergency fund. I'm thankful and content with how I live and what I have. I am just enjoying having a place of my own.

This is not it for me, though. I will only live this way temporarily while I work to achieve my dreams. I don't mind sacrificing my comfort to pursue my purpose. And I'm well on my way.

I Haven't Given Up!

I haven't posted to this blog in many months. I apologize. I've been living. I've been working. But, I haven't been sharing.

Life has been an interesting set of events as of late. I've had some hard times and I've celebrated some victories. I've experienced some confusion and I have had some breakthroughs. Overall, I can say that my time away has been interesting... but blessed.

I recently moved into my own apartment. I'm blessed to finally have a place to call my own. I will share more about it in an upcoming post.

As for my job, I have been busy working for someone else, making sure others have what they need. Recent circumstances have made me see that I cannot focus more on someone else's needs and dreams than on my own. I am thankful for my job, but I realze that it is only going to get me so far and give me so much.

I have dreams that are bigger than my job, bigger than me! I have to invest in myself and work harder FOR MYSELF to reach my dreams. I believe that my dreams will take me so much farther than any 9-5.

So... I want you all to know that I haven't given up! I haven't stopped. I havent quit. I apologize that I haven't shared with you as often as I promised I would. That's about to change.

In the coming weeks, I will catch you up on all recent events and share some of my plans for the future. I will also be launching a new blog, soon, where I will be sharing my life's experiences and lessons. So, keep an eye out....

I ask for your prayers and encouragement as I pray for and enourage you. Though my life is blessed, it has not been easy. But then, easy wouldn't push me to my destiny.

A Temporary Home

After I got my new job, I was excited at the thought of getting back on my feet and moving into my own apartment. I was staying with a friend when I was hired and had quite a commute to get back and forth to work.

 

I had to leave the apartment by 5 am, walk 40 minutes to the bus stop, take 2 busses and travel 2.5 hours every morning, not to mention the commute back every night. I would return to my friends' apartment around 7:45pm. I would rush to shower, eat and be in bed by 8:30 pm preparing to wake up at 4am and be out the door by 5am the next day.

 

The commute was very time consuming and didn't allow time for any extra corricular activities. I no longer had time for exercise or meditation, for ministry or to spend time with my family and/or friends. All I had time for was commuting and working. I'm not complaining, I'm very thankful I got the new job. I'm just saying....

 

After about a month of the treacherous commute, I was finally able to move a little closer to work. I didn't exactly move into an apartment, though. Instead, I was led to move into a hotel.

 

The move to the hotel cut down my commute by 2 hours. There is a bus stop near the front of the hotel and the bus picks up every morning at around 7:10am. The bus stop near my work is about a block away from my building and I am usually off the bus by 7:25am and at my desk by about 7:30am, unless I stop at the neighborhood deli for breakfast.

 

The move to the hotel has allowed me more time to rest and do other things like write, read, participate in ministry and spend more time with God.

 

The hotel is one of those extended-stay types and the room comes equipped with a mini kitchen, a bathroom and a bed. There is a television, a small closet area and a table perfect for eating and writing.

 

I dare not call the hotel home. It is cramped with my belongings and there's so little storage space that I have bags and boxes stacked in corners and hidden under the bed. I'm living out of suitcases and gym bags and all of my clothes are wrinkled beyond recognition. The hotel is expensive, cramped, and the walls are thin. The kitchen is small, it doesnt have an oven, and the toilet runs.

 

As I complain about everything the hotel is not, I can't help but notice every thing that it is. It's dry and safe. I have a place to get out of the rain and lay my head at night. It's cool, comfortable, and useful. I sleep well at night and I'm able to cook healthy and delicious meals for myself.

 

And as far as it being expensive... well, I recall just a few months ago when I didn't have the money to buy anything at all. I'm thankful. Staying in the hotel may not be home, but it was what I needed, when I needed it. Now, I'm prepared to move forward into my new place. A place to call my own.

Excuses, excuses...

I had an entire post prepared explaining why I had not submitted to the blog in a while. The post was all about how I couldn't afford to purchase Internet because I was staying in a hotel and how I was struggling to get a post out.

 

When I started writing this blog, I promised that as I shared my back story with you, I would be honest and transparent. Instead, I found myself making excuses for my absence. Though the excuses were based on actual events, they are just that... excuses.

 

If I were to be truly transparent, I would admit that I had gotten a bit lazy. I got a new job and didn't want to do anything except eat, watch tv, and go to sleep when I got home. I would yell at self every day because another day had passed and I hadn't completed any writings or submitted any blog posts.

 

Yes, paying for internet on a weekly basis was expensive, but there were other options. I could have gone to the library after work or I could have hung out at any number of fast food restaurants and coffee houses to take advantage of their free WiFi. The truth is, I would refuse to do anything other than go back to the hotel after work. No other option would do.

 

I had gotten to the point that even though there were things I knew I needed to do, I didn't want to do them. I had gotten comfortable - the one thing I didn't want to allow myself to do.

 

I had moved out of my friend's apartment and started basking in my privacy. I was so excited to be in a place that I could call my own, even if for just a little while. I knew I would get a little relaxed now that I wasn't living in someone else's home. I didn't mean to get TOO comfortable, though.

 

I did not intend to get into a mindset where the important things didn't matter. I didn't intend to put my life on the back burner. I didn't intend to put my dreams on hold. Now, I find myself playing catch up.

 

I began to experience that feeling that life was passing me by - that I wasn't truly living. But I brought this deficiency upon myself. These feelings were self inflicted. I realized that I don't ever have to feel as if I'm falling behind or as if I'm missing something, because I am equipped with everything I need to live life on my own terms.

 

So, no more excuses. I've been comfortable long enough. It's time to get up and out of my comfort zone and get back to work. It's time for discipline and sacrifice. Is there any other way to success?

Working on purpose

After being unemployed for the better part of a year, I was blessed with a new job. It's the job I wanted. I prayed for this job.

 

I had doubts that I would get the job, at first, because I went through some struggles during the application process. I had to reschedule my interview because of some unforeseen circumstances, then the company's administrator said that they were having problems verifying my references, and then they requested documentation that I didn't have in my possession and had a bit of a hard time retrieving.

 

The process was long and vigorous and I wondered on a couple occasions if they had pushed my application aside. I had to push those negative thoughts out of my mind and I kept my sights on the position, believing it was mine.

 

In the mean time, I had started another job, all the while praying that the job I wanted would be mine. I was mega excited when I checked my voice mail on my lunch break and heard the message that my application packet had been approved. I resigned from my place holder job without hesitation and began my new one a few days later.

 

The new position is with the state of Florida and is very demanding. I have to deal with difficult people and situations on a daily basis and there are times when impatience and frustration take over, making the situation quite stressful.

 

I recently became impatient with someone I was working with because the person was unable grasp a concept and kept asking me the same question over and over again. In my frustration, I snapped at the person. With all the patience and understanding I should have shown, the person asked me not to get upset and explained that they just didn't understand. I immediately felt bad that I had reacted that way and knew that I had to reevaluate myself.

 

I try to treat people the way I want to be treated and asked myself if I would I want someone to get impatient with me when I didn't understand? The answer is no! I would be grateful if they were patient enough to take the time to help me understand. I realized that I had to take a deep breath and commit myself to being kind and courteous at all times, no matter what.

 

I believe this is the reason I've been blessed with my job. I believe that I am there to learn the importance of showing patience, empathy and understanding with everyone and in every situation. I believe that God is preparing me to use these qualities for whatever purpose He is leading me towards. That purpose will require me to be able to separate myself from my feelings and practice self control.

 

God is preparing me for a time when my reaction to a particular situation will determine the course of its outcome. He's making me stronger. He's making me wiser and preparing me to put these virtues to use.

 

I thank God for my challenging new position because He is using it to equip me with everything I need to do what He is leading me to do. I'm working on my purpose.